Our Golden Jubilee Conundrum
Life and circumstances have presented me with a conundrum. That is to say, a very confusing situation for which there appears to be no answer.
Two major life cycle events are approaching the Diamond family. First there is the 95th birthday of Hubby. Secondly, there is our fiftieth wedding anniversary, which is also around the proverbial corner.
I made a lovely open house last year for his 94th, feeling we should take the opportunity to celebrate after Covid-19 has hampered any and all social life for at least two years. Friends graciously attended, there was beautiful food, silver balloons in the numbers 9 and 4, and gorgeous birthday cakes to be devoured.
It is now one year later and surely a 95th birthday is even better and more important than a 94th? But if I am to be very honest, I am not sure that my friends need to celebrate my husband’s birthday every year from now to the end of time. I make a good party, but maybe it is an imposition to ask them to attend each year. I did make Hubby a lovely 85th birthday party after he survived his cancer treatments. Again, he was the recipient of a 90th celebration – a restaurant gourmet evening which even our son and grandson flew across the Atlantic to share with us. It dawns on me that Hubby has never thrown a birthday bash for me, although I made one for myself when I turned 70. Like I said, I love having friends around and celebrating, even if I have to celebrate myself. And being realistic – I certainly could not have two parties within six months of each other. Our close friends might just balk (and walk) and I could not blame them.
This year, I came to the conclusion that Hubby has had his fair share of extravagant celebrations, and yet he still deserves a happy day. We will celebrate his big day with his mates at the Melabev day-care center with ice cream, cake, and maybe even balloons. This should resolve one of the two confusions which go around and around in my head.
Onto the real conundrum. waiting in the wings, in mid-November, is our golden wedding anniversary. We actually went to the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee in London and if celebrating was good enough for her, surely Hubby and I, who actually have the last name of “Diamond” should not miss out on our own half-century celebration!
What shall I do with this life-event? On the one hand, If I ignore it and treat it as any other day or anniversary, I know that I will be regretful in years to come. On the other hand, how do I celebrate 50 years of marriage with the love of my life who really does not remember most of those fifty years, and at times is no longer even convinced that we are still actually married? If he were not suffering from dementia, I would book a cruise for the two of us to some foreign land that we have not yet experienced. That is now impossible. On our 30th, we made a sensational trip to Venice, Florence, and Milan, as those were the cities in Italy which I had not yet seen. Hubby knew them well and guided me up and down the alleyways he had frequented during his days in Europe as a fashion designer. Memories of that trip are part of the reason that I do not want to ignore the importance of life-cycle events. When we choose to do something outstanding, we will remember it forever.
On the other hand (and there is of course always another hand), How wonderful could it actually be to make a celebration for our 50th anniversary, when Hubby may not actually understand what we are celebrating? Can one person celebrate an anniversary if the other spouse does not remember the amazing life that they shared for fifty years? Do I spend the evening reminding him about our life together, knowing that even then, he will not retain the memories?
Discussing the conundrum with close friends has helped me to focus on what I do not want. I do not want an evening talking about our marriage and forcing our friends to sit through our stories, no matter how wonderful I may think that they are. I do not want an evening of tributes to me as Hubby’s caregiver, even if I have kept him alive for the past fifteen years. I guess what I really want is what I cannot have… an intimate evening for two with fine champagne, and a chef’s gourmet meal, where we would discuss our experiences, laugh and cry together. That would be a perfect celebration if our lives had not been so torn asunder by this disease.
Friends are excited to help me plan an event, but I cannot envision it. Neither will I let this moment pass as if fifty years has no significance. It most certainly does. I have decided on a compromise. I have concluded that Hubby will unknowingly fulfill his anniversary obligation by “selecting” a stunning piece of gold jewelry for me, which I will be able to wear in the years to come. I need to begin researching the possibilities. Unbeknownst to Hubby, he is about to buy me something wonderful which will last forever, and will remind me of those magical years gone by. No doubt, he will be less than thrilled when informed of the gift he has given me, which will undoubtedly be followed by the question “How much did it cost?!”
In the old days Hubby would have surprised me with a lavish gift. This time, I will surprise him! I will kiss his brow, and tell him how generous he has been, and wish him a happy anniversary! It is unlikely that he will understand any of the angst that I have experienced in contemplating the celebratory options. My memories of a truly wonderful marriage will simply have to suffice for the both of us.
