The Birthday Party
Creating a 95th birthday party for Hubby at his memory-club – Melabev, here in Jerusalem, was probably the easiest option for me. Violet ordered a fabulous cake with Hubby’s edible photograph covering the surface and I stopped at our local Italian-style ice cream store to purchase different flavors of ice cream and cones for the guests. Not just any cones, wonderful brown sugar cones, dipped in chocolate and then dipped again in colorful candy sprinkles.
Melabev has a terrific chap, Howie, who plays music for the group two days a week. This was one of his days! He seamlessly moved into a rendition of “Happy Birthday” and “For He’s a jolly good fellow!” and the party was underway. So much attention and so much pleasure on behalf of Hubby. The ice cream cones were devoured by everyone present (staff included), and after a few minutes to pay tribute to Hubby, we served the gorgeous birthday cake. The only guest refusing to eat the cake was Hubby himself. He did enjoy it when he returned home however.
When we returned home, he was able to enjoy the birthday card created for him and basked in all the nice thoughts written on the hand-made card.
A few minutes later, Hubby decided to begin a grumble session. His medication had worn off and it was time to pick on his wifey. Once on a roll, he cannot stop. So many things that one can complain about when looking at a wife who “does absolutely nothing to help” you and clearly needs admonishing. Another day devoted to Hubby who has forgotten it all. Everyone has a limit, and I had reached my quota for the day. I announced I was going to a friend’s book launch at a local restaurant – au revoir to Violet and Hubby. His punishment (how immature am I?), was my not telling him when I would return. I was in no mood to have a curfew after all the complaints.
When I returned later in the evening, Hubby was in bed but wide awake. I asked him if he remembered his birthday party. He said “no.” I asked if he remembered the wonderful birthday cake with his picture on it. He said “Yes!” thus, a bit of the day was actually savored. Violet had turned off his lights and said good night but Hubby was quite awake. He wanted to sing along with his recorded favorites. It was a choice between making him happy and letting him sing, or disappointing him and hearing his complaints for the next two hours. It was a no-brainer. One and a half hours later, I suggested to Hubby that it was probably time to turn off the music and go to sleep. When he heard that it was 11:40 PM he actually agreed. Lights off, music off – two minutes later Hubby was in a different world of his own… of which he has quite a few!
One would not think that I could still be irritated when Hubby does not appreciate what we do for him. It is a gut level reaction which somehow still kicks in, in spite of the absolute understanding that it is not his fault that he does not remember or cannot process appreciation when it would be appropriate to do so. Whilst I can be a bit irritated, I am no longer gutted or heartbroken or angry. With time, one can actually become fairly accustomed to inappropriate behavior.
On the flip side, there are times when Hubby tells me how much he appreciates everything I do for him. These proclamations are totally unexpected and related to nothing but his mood at that moment. I will take whatever I can get!
Our loved ones with memory loss are unpredictable and we eventually learn to ride the waves of their lives. We simply must ensure that we do not drown in the ocean, while focused on navigating their ship.
