For the last eight and a half years, Shloime Rosengarten has had a lot on his mind. A bitter divorce from his then-pregnant wife resulted in his total estrangement from his newborn son’s life. Years later, Rosengarten still needs counseling and therapy to get through the heartache and anxiety. “I’ve tried different methods of therapy,” Rosengarten shared. “I’ve done talk therapy, but the one I’ve found most helpful is breath work.”
Rosengarten (not his real name) has only seen his son once. His ex-wife’s family agreed for him to attend the upsherin, as long as he did not tell his son he was his father.
“The upsherin experience was really tough,” Rosengarten shared. But, he said, he has recently started to see signs of hope. After years of refusal, his ex-wife finally attended a beis din. The religious court instructed Rosengarten to see a psychiatrist who would determine his mental fit to see his son. Rosengarten can finally allow himself to feel some optimism. But the anxiety still persists; he doesn’t even know if his ex-wife has ever told their son of his existence.
Divorce is often a painful, ugly experience. In the world of Orthodox Jewry, the ugliness can be magnified by religious norms and observance, community perception, and the fear of being ostracized by the entire community and loved ones. These can lead to feelings of loneliness, despair, and anger.
The stigma placed on divorcees can make it unclear where to turn for help. Studies show it’s in a community’s best interest to take care of its most vulnerable and to nurse them back to good spiritual, emotional and mental health.
But first, how divorce is perceived in the community must be recognized and accounted for. Nishma Research has been conducting studies on behalf of the Orthodox Jewish community for several years. Some of its most recent studies on antisemitism and understanding singles’ needs have been used by Orthodox shuls and organizations worldwide to better understand and service their members.
Now, Nishma Research wants to better understand the effects and attitudes of divorce in the Orthodox world.
“The core audience will be people who are divorced, since I want to hear firsthand their thoughts on the reasons why they were divorced,” Nishma founder Mark Trencher explains. “Additionally, there will be questions for non-divorced people relating to their personal experiences with other family members. But the core is the divorcees themselves. Across all segments of orthodoxy at all ages. I want to hear first-hand, not speculation.”
Trencher believes the subject is much less taboo nowadays than it was a few years ago, and he finds that people are eager to share when given the assurance of anonymity.
“Remember the survey on the OTD community (Jews that strayed off the path of religion) back in 2016?” Trencher asked. “We were surprised to have received 885 responses, but the lesson is when you ask people with strong opinions to share their thoughts, they are often more than eager to do so.”
Nishma not only encourages, but needs widespread participation in order to get an accurate analysis of divorce in all sectors of Orthodox Jewry, be it modern, yeshivish, or chassidic. As the study is conducted mostly online, reaching the more reclusive sects of Orthodoxy can be a challenge. Trencher says this challenge is not new.
“Everyone who does surveys faces this challenge. So, for example, we know that non-English-speaking chassidic people without computers will be missing from our sample. On the other hand, the modern Orthodox, and even the yeshivishe communities are quite reachable via online service. So, we do our best.”
The survey includes a dialogue section for the participants to tell, in their own words, why they got divorced – a very open-ended question. A survey link will be sent to the organization’s own extensive respondent list, and Nishma will also try to reach people through shuls and other organizations.
While Nishma is a non-profit, there are costs associated with conducting the survey, so $100-500 sponsorships are available to those who wish to help.
Trencher said nearly 300 people have already responded with suggestions for the survey. “There’s a lot of excitement about this.”
Ultimately it will take community input, in sufficient numbers, to make the survey a success. Those who are interested should reach out to: bit.ly/orthodox-divorce-2025.
