In the previous installment, we learned that the bigger the ego, the more vulnerable we become – and the greater our need to predict and control everything around us. We begin to seek out, perceive, and interpret the world in ways that confirm our narrative, rather than adjusting our worldview to match reality. But when reality is distorted to the point that it no longer resembles the truth, mental health issues become inevitable. Now we see that relationship issues also become inevitable.
The people we know who are emotionally healthy generally enjoy positive relationships. Conversely, those who struggle to get along with others often have a host of emotional issues. Much unhappiness in life stems from failing or failed relationships, with our emotional health feeding on and fueling the quality of our relationships. Letting others into our emotional space and entering theirs requires a diminution of the “I.” When the wall of “I am me, and he is he” is broken down, a connection forms, and a bond is established. To be a part of someone’s life, we need to create a space for that person. If one is too self-absorbed, there is no room for anyone else. His capacity to give and receive love is strained, if not altogether severed.
We often hear the phrase “hurt people hurt people,” but what does it really mean? When someone is wounded, they feel vulnerable and powerless – their sense of control is undermined—and their self-worth deteriorates, leaving them feeling unworthy of love and connection. Yet, because we are wired to connect, they seek the next best thing: control. And where is control most easily found? With those closest to them. The people who love or care about us are the ones we affect most deeply. For someone who feels they have so little control, this becomes the last lifeline – the only power they have left to hold onto.
Irresponsible choices weaken our emotional stability and erode the quality of our relationships, creating turbulence not just in our psyche, but in our soul. The more we resemble our Creator by emulating His ways, the closer we move toward Him. Closeness is not measured in terms of physical space but through levels of awareness, which manifest in similarities. Hashem, being non-physical, does not have a form. So, what do we mean when we speak of man being created in the image of Hashem? It means that human beings have the freedom to forge their own reality. In this way, we resemble Hashem, who is completely free and independent. A person who lacks self-control distances himself from his Creator, becoming an emotional junkie reliant on others to feed his fragile ego, and a slave to his own impulses.
Chapter Five
Perspective on Life
Perspective provides context, enabling us to extract and attach meaning and significance to our challenges. It allows us to see how seemingly disparate elements integrate into a larger whole, like threads woven into a tapestry. Without context, there can be no recognition or appreciation of our experiences. Everything Hashem does is for the good, and how much of that good we can recognize largely depends on us.
The more responsible our choices → our self-esteem increases → our ego shrinks → our perspective widens → we see a greater context → life (and its challenges) gain deeper meaning → bringing greater pleasure, with suffering tempered if not absorbed.
The less responsible our choices → our self-esteem decreases → our ego expands → our perspective narrows → we see a diminished context → life (and its challenges) lose meaning → leading to anxiety and despair.
The pinnacle of perspective even insulates us from physical pain. A person can crawl across broken glass to escape from a burning room, experiencing little or no pain. His focus is on the larger, truer, and more important picture. The Romans arrested Rabbi Akiva and executed him by brutally tearing the skin from his body with iron combs. As he was being tortured, Rabbi Akiva joyously recited the Shema: “Hear, O Israel, the L-rd is our G-d, the L-rd is One.” He smiled at his students in the moment just before his death and said that he was overjoyed to have finally achieved serving Hashem with all of his being. The Gemara relates that Rabbi Akiva stretched out the word echad until his soul departed with complete recognition of Hashem’s total unity. In a word, he had context. When a person recognizes that his pain has meaning—even when he cannot discern the message Hashem is showing him—the pain does not metastasize into suffering, and the experience becomes more bearable and, for those on the highest of levels, even joyous.
Research in physical pain management shows us that pain severity depends on the context in which the pain occurs. The pain threshold increases as the patient better understands the body’s healing process and the role of pain in healing. This explains why major depression is associated with a decreased pain threshold. As we become increasingly focused on ourselves, we are left with only pain, making much of life, even living itself, intolerable.
(To be continued)
