Chapter Four
Framing the Picture
We previously discussed how routinely succumbing to immediate gratification or living to protect and project an image causes the ego to swell as a defense mechanism against feelings of guilt and shame. The ego itself blocks perspective, causing it to narrow. As a result, we become less emotionally stable, seeing more of ourselves and less of the world.
The more responsible our choices → our self-esteem increases → our ego shrinks → our perspective widens → undistorted reality
The less responsible our choices → our self-esteem decreases → our ego expands → our perspective narrows → distorted reality
This loss of perspective is critical because our initial viewpoint instantly frames and freezes our thoughts and feelings toward any situation. Once shaped, perception becomes difficult to reorient, particularly from negative to positive. When a challenge strikes, a narrow perspective undermines bitachon and magnifies fear and anxiety in the following key ways.
The Focusing Illusion
A consequence of the egocentric psyche is an inability to let go of worrisome and pervasive thoughts. The advice “Don’t worry,” or “Just drop the thought,” does not work. It can’t. The ego’s inability to tolerate uncertainty compels us to give “it” more attention. (We remind ourselves that letting go can feel like disappearing—like being deleted—because the ego insists that we are our thoughts, that we must stay in control, and that certainty is essential for survival.)
We can let a thought go instantly, and we do it all the time, but when our perspective is narrow, any thought can become all-consuming. For instance, someone with several job offers is likely to see and evaluate each offer with objective diligence. However, when a person has been grappling with prolonged unemployment and overdue rent, and has finally secured a single job interview, his mindset drastically shifts. His perspective is different and distorted. He will repeatedly go over the interview, think about it nonstop, and obsess over every minute detail, all the while fearing he won’t get the job.
We bring distress to life by giving negative thoughts attention. Nobel Prize-winning researcher Daniel Kahneman, who coined the term focusing illusion, explains that nothing is as important as it seems when one is thinking about it. When we redirect our focus, the original thought loses its pull. When our perspective is narrow, we can’t do this, and the spiral reinforces itself. Our time, energy, and focus elevate a thought’s significance, which then validates our need to pay greater attention—further narrowing our perspective and increasing our anxiety. Our mind logically concludes, This must be important because why else would I spend all this time thinking about it?
The ego compels us to latch onto certain thoughts, and our preoccupation with them fuels anxiety as their perceived importance swells. However, what initially comes into our purview is also governed by the ego. The ego narrates our world, regulating what enters and what remains outside our conscious awareness. Always on the lookout for corroborating evidence to prove us right, we tend to turn a blind eye to anything that does not conform to our expectations. As feelings of shame emerge, we look for confirmation that we are unworthy, believing that we deserve nothing but misfortune and hardship. We draw conclusions that do not mitigate our insecurities but instead feed them.
Physiologically, we can become addicted to stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol. Constantly high levels reset our body’s baseline, causing our system to crave these hormones. As a result, we subconsciously seek stressful situations to maintain this elevated supply. This cycle perpetuates a state of stress and undermines our ability to respond healthily to new stressors.
Wiring Ourselves for Negativity
When sensing danger, the amygdala, commonly referred to as the “fear center,” compels us to act. If there is nothing practical to do, or we fear taking responsible action, we resort to the impractical: we worry. For many, worrying is simply a habit—known, familiar, and comfortable—which is exactly what the ego craves, especially in moments of anxiety.
People with anxiety or depression gravitate towards feelings that match their internal emotional landscape. For example, someone with anxiety might repeatedly engage in activities that provoke worry or fear, while a person with depression might immerse themselves in environments that elicit sadness or hopelessness.
Research confirms that the familiarity of a mood state makes us more likely to seek it out and sustain it. As anxiety increases, we become even more drawn to that emotional state, where any deviation feels unfamiliar and, paradoxically, triggers further anxiety. The challenge compounds. Our preoccupation with negativity not only blinds us to opportunities for improvement but also rewires our brains to prioritize negative information. Through a process known as predictive encoding, our brains become primed to identify cues that reinforce our negative expectations—effectively turning them into reality.
We recall that the bigger our ego, the greater our need to predict and control our world.
Reexamining the logic: A lack of self-control leads to irresponsible choices, which lower self-esteem and inflate the ego. This inflated ego, in turn, creates a need to exert control over our world and the people in it. In the next installment, we’ll see how the ego is inclined to dwell on the worst-case scenario in a futile attempt to protect itself. Moreover, when we suffer from feelings of unworthiness and the accompanying vulnerability, we often fear that something bad will happen to us—especially after experiencing something good. When fortune unexpectedly smiles on us, anxiety creeps in, fueled by a deep-seated sense of unworthiness. To relieve this emotional tension, we may even sabotage our own success.
No wonder we feel anxious and fearful.
(To be continued)
