Chapter Four
Framing the Picture
In the previous installment, we learned that when a challenge strikes, a narrow perspective undermines bitachon and magnifies fear and anxiety in three key ways. We will summarize the first two and then continue.
The Focusing Illusion: The ego clings to worrisome and pervasive thoughts, making it impossible to simply “let go.” The more attention we give a thought, the more important it seems, creating a reinforcing cycle of distress. As Daniel Kahneman explains, nothing is as important as it seems when one is thinking about it. However, with a narrow perspective, we cannot shift our focus, and our time, energy, and emotions become consumed by a single fear. Physiologically, chronic stress resets our baseline, making us subconsciously seek out anxiety, further reinforcing the cycle.
Wiring Ourselves for Negativity: When the amygdala senses danger, it compels action – when no action is available, we resort to worrying. Anxiety and depression reinforce familiar emotional states, rewiring our brains to prioritize negative information through predictive encoding, making worst-case scenarios feel inevitable.
The Worst-Case Scenario
The bigger our ego, the greater our need to predict and control our world. The ego is thus inclined to dwell on the worst-case scenario in a futile attempt to protect itself. Here are the psychological mechanics:
If someone rear-ends our car, we might understandably feel shaken and scared. But if we knew it would happen that morning, when the moment came, we would feel less traumatized and experience little or no fear. This is critical to understand: fear exists because of a loss of control. Something happened that was not only undesirable but also unanticipated. By expecting the worst, we eliminate the element of surprise and reduce the larger fear of the unknown. Fulfilled expectations provide a warped layer of comfort, but our lives become filled with “never-ending tragedies” that never actually happen.
Joy and positivity necessitate vulnerability – being open to the possibility of encountering the unexpected and undesired. The ego cannot permit this because it cannot tolerate uncertainty. This fixation is not only emotionally draining but also corrupts our bitachon and our ability to optimize the outcome.
From Bad to Worse
When we suffer feelings of unworthiness and the accompanying vulnerability, we are often afraid that something bad will happen to us particularly after something good occurs in our lives. When fortune unexpectedly smiles on us, we feel anxious because of our sense of unworthiness. To alleviate the emotional tension, we might even sabotage our success so that we can fulfill our personal prophecy: The world is as we predicted.
Over time, and with varying degrees of self-awareness, guilt and shame compound, turning self-sabotage into self-harm. We no longer seek to escape pain but instead choose to inflict it upon ourselves. Feelings of shame often lead to self-destructive behavior. The Torah states, “They awoke early in the morning and went up to the mountain saying: ‘We are ready, and we shall go up to the place that Hashem has said [to go up to], for we have sinned’ [= shame]. And Moshe said: ‘Why would you transgress the word of Hashem [Who has now said not to go up]? It will not succeed’… [Nonetheless,] they defiantly ascended to the mountaintop [and were struck down]” (Bamidbar 14:40–45).
Both research and common sense reveal that guilt and shame often drive self-destructive tendencies, fueling a compulsion for suffering or punishment. A secondary motivation for self-harm is that it renders our pain predictable and familiar. Vulnerability, by definition, means we can be struck at any time, in any place, and by any means – the unpredictability feeds our fear and exacerbates the pain. The world inflicts pain and fear upon us in ways we cannot predict or control, but by harming ourselves, we gain control over our pain. Acts of self-harm provide relief from unpredictable emotional pain and a sense of control in our emotionally chaotic lives. There is an illusion of empowerment when we, not anyone else, are in control of our pain. We recall the ego’s directive: control at all costs.
Individuals undergoing multiple life changes simultaneously are more likely to fall ill. Surprisingly, research shows that this correlation with illness applies to all types of change, whether positive or negative. The level of stress experienced is determined by our need to control these events. This explains why we might engage in self-destructive behavior or outright self-sabotage, even when things are going well – perhaps especially when they are. It is not the situation that unsettles us; we feel unsettled because we are not in control of ourselves.
We’ve seen how choice can fortify or undermine bitachon. In the upcoming installments we explore how it shapes our emotional health, relationships, and core personality – deepening our understanding of how the choices we make define our happiness and resilience, especially in challenges we don’t choose – and ultimately determine whether we live a life of pleasure or pain.
(To be continued)
