One of the biggest things I’ve noticed as I get older is that life is not quite as black and white as it used to be. As we mature, we see more complexity around us; we become more aware that one single path rarely works for everyone. We start to see fewer sharp lines and more gray.
But I also question if this is necessarily a good thing. With nuance, do we lose clarity? With an increased ability to understand where another person is coming from, do we end up excusing inexcusable behavior? In a world of gray, how do we figure out what’s really black and white?
One tool that has helped me is to separate actions from people. A person is always complicated, layered, and ultimately unknowable – we never know exactly what someone has been through, and what has led them to the choices they have made. But even while seeing a person in all their complexity, in the gray, we can still see their actions in black and white. We can condemn specific behaviors (like a refusal to issue a get) without ascribing the same black and white view to the full person.
By knowing when to draw clear, black and white lines, and when to embrace the grayness of nuance, we can balance the judgment and leeway needed to create a healthy community.
