It starts around Rosh Hashana. People call and ask, “Are you mochel me for anything I might have done?” The custom is to respond, “Yes. Are you mochel me?” and we assume that that fulfills our obligation.
Does it, though? Can we really assume that we have forgiven them b’lev shalem and that they have forgiven us? While we might assume that the holy spark within your heart really might forgive, I believe it takes more work than that. One of my children told me a story that they received a “mechila-call” from a classmate. This person usually didn’t talk to them, but apparently was moved by the pre-Yom Kippur feeling. So, my child said to them, “I’ll need to think about it. It hurts when you exclude me.”
I was flabbergasted that they had the courage to say that, and the insight which they shared. Any genuine change of relationship, especially mechila and teshuva, takes time and effort to come into being.
It’s a two-step dance: the injurer needs to be able to humble themselves by admitting they were in the wrong and to ask for forgiveness. The injured party needs to consider whether the pain they feel is too great to let go, or whether carrying it around is poisoning them.
May we learn how to properly let down our guard to say “I was wrong”; and in the right time, be able to let go of our hurt.
