It happened. You messed up. You hurt someone really badly or did something you deeply regret. Now what?
Is regret healthy or unhealthy?
It depends. Regret can be extremely unhealthy when misused. Regret can be transformed into poison – where a person feeds themselves negative and self-defeating messages. A person may begin to think they are inherently unworthy, and rather than think about how they made a mistake, they believe that they themselves are one big mistake. The regret can morph into such overwhelming pain that a person is driven to numb it in unhealthy ways.
This is the evil inclination’s field day – a vicious cycle of self-destruction.
But there is another way. There is a healthy regret that is one of the three steps of teshuva. There is a regret that can be transformed into an engine, a desire and decision to improve the relationship and do better next time. It is a hallmark of emotional and spiritual maturity to be able to own one’s mistake with healthy regret and commitment to move forward in a better manner.
In my book Oops, I’m Sorry, a child learns that when he or she makes a mistake, “saying sorry is first, help to fix it, and then find a way to make sure it won’t happen again.” I’ll confess that I have mumbled this under my breath to myself as well – a reminder that I am imperfect, just like everyone else.
