The first thing that comes to mind when hearing the word “ruin” is one of my kids kvetching: “Daddy, [INSERT SIBLING NAME] ruined my picture/puzzle/Lego tower.”
Over the years, I have refined my response to this complaint. The current strategy utilizes a variation of: “I’m sorry that your project was ruined; it was unkind of your sibling to do that, but now you have the opportunity to do it again and make it even better than before.” I’ll discuss the matter with the offending sibling but, much to my kids’ chagrin, harsh punishment like withholding dessert/iPad or enforcing an early bedtime are not tactics employed in the Shenkman household. While I’m not a child psychologist, it seems like that type of reactive punishment doesn’t give the child the tools they need to effectively handle adversity in the future.
It’s always tempting to play the victim card when something we’ve worked hard on is ruined. However, throwing a pity party or dwelling on the offender’s punishment is not the Jewish way. Part of what made Jews successful throughout history is our ability to deal with adversity. We recognize our sadness and then, through hard work, determination, and humor, we pick ourselves up to learn and grow from that setback.
I don’t expect my kids to appreciate this lesson right now, but hopefully it will be imprinted in their minds and prove useful as they go through life.
