“I’m sorry” are probably the two most important words in the English language and they are foundational for healthy and trusting relationships.
I’m going to share the elements of a “good” apology as well as a few of the big mistakes people make when apologizing.
Good apologies consist of the following:
- Accepting responsibility for your actions without excuses. Don’t use the word “but” (ex: “I’m sorry but you misunderstood”).
- Understand that you are apologizing because it’s the right thing to do. The other person doesn’t owe you their forgiveness.
- A true apology focuses on your actions and doesn’t dismiss the validity of the other person’s feelings. Avoid saying, “I’m sorry you feel that way.” This comes off as condescending and gives the impression that you are not trying to empathize with their experience or hurt.
An apology is so much more than just saying the words “I’m sorry.” What actually makes the other person feel soothed is when they feel heard and validated; when they feel that there is genuine remorse and regret, a willingness to carry some of the pain that was caused and efforts to make things right, as needed. They want to know that you really “get it” and there won’t be a repeat offense.
May we all become masters at repair with our loved ones.
