Dear Mrs. Bluth,
After three months of marriage I think I made a mistake. I married the wrong man and too ashamed to admit it, because many people told me not to marry him. I was so sure that he was “Mr. Right” that I ignored everything negative said about him and turned a blind eye to what I now realize were red flags.
I’m so miserable and don’t know who to turn to for help or advice. I’m not a youngster so facing up to this grave error in judgement only makes it harder to resolve because I don’t know if I’ll ever get a second chance to find “Mr. Wonderful.”
I’m no stranger to abusive marriages as my parents were prime examples of hateful and destructive. When I met Ron,* a vibrant, fun loving Israeli chayal visiting the States for the first time, I was very attracted to his exotic personality and good looks, his love of laughter and his strong sense of self – so very different from my father and brothers who are introverted, self centered and argumentative. Although his English was poor, which made conversation difficult even with my minimal and rudimentary knowledge of Hebrew, I was not adverse to going out with him, and we soon developed a relationship that grew beyond friendship.
My two closest friends warned me that he was not a right fit for me, that I knew nothing about him or his family, but I laughed them off saying I enjoyed his company and we had nice times together. When others claimed he had a dark side and made them uneasy, I choose not to hear it. We started to see ourselves as a couple, talking about what kind of life we wanted and I was thrilled to hear that he wanted to stay in the United States and with me. Of course, I would have to help him get his green card, which I was more than happy to do.
I introduced him to my family, and although they hated him, we got engaged and began planning a wedding. It was a small affair and only two of his brothers came for the wedding. I looked forward to our lives together.
The good times lasted for about a month and a half – the day his green card arrived. That is when the man I fell in love with turned into the man I wished I’d never met.
I can’t even describe the Jekyll and Hyde metamorphosis that took place from the moment he slipped that card into his wallet. Gone was the loving, free spirited, sweet talking guy I knew and in his place came a foul mouthed, angry, slap-happy tyrant who brought me to tears with his insults and quick fists. I suddenly understood that what I really was to him was a quick ticket to legal residency and what I had taken for genuine affection and consideration was nothing more than a means to that end. I was played for a fool and now I am miserable and afraid. The last thing I need to hear from anyone is, “I told you so.”
What is left for me to do?
Dear Friend,
“Mr. Right and Mr. Wonderful” makes for an interesting book title, however, it does not assure that it will make for a good read. I don’t mean to rub salt in your wounds, however, every element necessary for making a wise choice was absent when you choose your mate. You point out that your parents’ marriage was nothing short of a war zone, which already set you on the path to marital failure based on that dysfunctional role modeling you grew up witnessing. It also made you a poor judge of character. Often friends point out suspect character traits and adverse personality behaviors based on jealousy or heresay. However, in your case, it seems as if none of your friends saw anything good in Ron. Combined with the few red flags you choose to overlook – you had sure signs of “disaster ahead.” And, that green card issue should have been a dead give-away sending you running in the opposite direction.
So what to do now? Based on what you describe, yours was a one-sided marriage from the get-go, with someone who had an agenda and used you to get what he wanted. Now that he has it, he no longer wants you. Ordinarily I would suggest attempting a reconciliation, however, based on his use of abusive language and physical abuses, I don’t recommend it. It is quite apparent that you have outlived your usefulness and have become a liability to him. Your next step should be to seek legal advice to terminate the marriage as well as a rabbi who can facilitate a get, while the getting is good. Something tells me Ron will be more than happy to release you from the marriage now that he has legal status, so strike while the iron is hot. Once you’ve gotten the get and the divorce is finalized, notify the Department of Immigration. You may yet get some satisfaction by seeing his green card revoked.
There may still be a happily ever after for you, just be wiser and more cautious in the future. And do listen to your good and devoted friends and base your choice on all the information at hand. Good luck next time around.