Dear Mrs. Bluth,
Please help me understand what to do so that I can make people listen to me and understand what I, my twin brother and two younger sisters are going through and what we need. I am fourteen, and am considered a minor in the eyes of all involved, having no legal say in anything, least of all on my own life, but that should not be the case. No one knows better what will make me and my younger siblings feel safe, happy and secure better than I do.
Just after my youngest sister was born, things in my house started to change. I noticed that my mom was sad a lot of the time, sometimes not even getting out of bed or getting dressed to go out. My dad started leaving for work earlier and staying there later, sometimes not coming home at all for days at a time. When he did come home, there were always arguments. Things only got worse when my older sister began taking my mother’s side and arguing with my father. Our house became a war zone.
About two years ago it became impossible for me. I was unable to do any schoolwork because I was helping take care of my younger sister, and my twin brother who is autistic. I called my grandparents, my father’s parents for help. My mother’s parents live out of the country and we are not close with them. But we have spent lots of time with my father’s parents who care about us a lot.
It was around then that my parents decided to divorce and the fights became arguments over who gets to raise us.
I begged my mother to let us go be with Bubby and Zaidy for that summer and she finally said yes. They came to pick us up, except for my older sister who decided to stay with our mother. It was the best summer of our lives. Bubby and Zaidy showered my two little sisters with love and hugs all the time and they even started going to sleep without crying during the night. My twin brother went to a special program that helped with his autism and he seemed to be doing a lot better. Bubby played with him the special games they taught him, sang to him and rocked back and forth with him to calm him down when he was afraid or angry. And I was, for the first in a very long time, feeling at peace, and even happy.
It all came to an end when we went home. The social workers from the court came to meet with us and discuss what would be for the best. Bubby came back with us, but the tension and arguments were hard to deal with.
No matter what I told the people sent by the court – I asked that we all be allowed to go and live with Bubby and Zaidy – no one would listen to me. They said all I needed to do was answer their questions and that it was up to the judge to decide where we would go. I don’t want to go to either mom or dad, I want to stay with my grandparents, in their peaceful, loving and secure home. I also know that it would be best for my brother and my two little sisters if they stayed there too. But no one will listen to me because it seems that we are the prisoners of war, with nothing to say. We are the prize that both my parents want to win in order to hurt each other, but we aren’t really wanted for the right reason.
Is it true that I have no say in where I want to live, just because my parents have chosen not to live together? Can you help me find a way make them listen and see we are not things they can split in half? Can you make them see that they should do what is right for us?
Ben
Dear Ben,
In all my years of writing this columns, it is letters like yours that break my heart. The littlest casualties of the divorce war, the ones who are the least to blame for what is happening, are the ones who hurt the most. And most often those tiny voices fall on the deaf ears and blind eyes of those who should be protecting them the most, yet see them as nothing more then property to be divided or spoils of war. Not only do warring spouses desire to destroy each other, they are willing to sacrifice their children to that end. I am so very sorry for you, Ben, but unless you can touch that thing beating in the chest of the judge that passes for a heart, only Hashem will help you.
You’ve lived through much pain and fear for one so young, yet you understand and act far older than your years. You are a hero for the care and the protection you offer your siblings and the wise decision you made to call on your grandparents. I’m sure they are working behind the scenes to convince all involved that the best place for you would certainly be with them, at least until your parents can settle their differences and create a safe, secure and acceptable environment for al of you. Miracles happen, Ben, Hashem hears the cries of children and He will watch over you and keep you safe. Trust in Him and have faith, He will never desert you.
Fourteen is a heartbeat away from eighteen, and eighteen is the magic number that will set you free to go wherever your heart wants. Keep connected with your siblings so that you will be able to help them.
In the mean time, I would encourage you to write many letters – to the judge, to the clerk, to rabbis and lawyers and professionals involved in your case and bombard them with what you want and what you need and what you know is necessary. But do it respectfully and with sincerity, just as you’ve written to me.
Please write or call me and let me know what city you are in and I will do everything in my power to help you. I invite any and all who can offer their professional expertise to this young man, which I will gladly give over to him via this column.