Rav Noach Weinberg z”l, Rosh Yeshiva of Aish HaTorah, used to say that the best way to ruin a great love story is to get married. Suddenly, faced with responsibilities and bills, the romance doesn’t seem so grand. Once kids are added to the picture, the situation turns even more dismal. As world renowned psychologist Dr. David Pelcovitz says, it’s a general rule that satisfaction in marriage goes down about 50% after your first baby arrives.
Sounds harsh, right? Does standing under the chuppah signal the end of our dream of romance and beautiful sunsets? Are we not destined to star in our very own fairytale? Wait, there is hope. Numerous studies and marriage therapists advocate one simple tool to reclaim the feeling of shalom and reyut in your marriage: couple time! The proper prescription for couple time has three steps. First, about ten minutes a day of uninterrupted focused conversation, simply catching up on the day’s events without the distraction of a computer, cellphone or housework. Second, a once-a-week enjoyable activity like dinner out or movie in, again without any distractions. Third, and this is the big one, an annual overnight sans-enfants, where you can focus on each other for a longer period of time without the distraction and toll of taking care of children.
For beginners, even the first two recommendations might seem difficult to accomplish. In our busy, busy lives, are we really supposed to carve out time for yet another responsibility? Yes, if you want your marriage to last. A mere ten minutes a day focusing on each other should be doable. If you can’t find even such a small window of time to relax, it is time to seriously reconsider how you are spending it. See what tasks you can delegate, discard or minimize and utilize that time nurturing your most important relationship. Once you start, you will find yourself looking forward to the opportunity to relax and recharge.
If leaving the house for a few hours is too expensive in both time and money, having a weekly date night in-house can be just as good. A nice bottle of wine, a beautifully set table, some soft music for ambience…the important thing is to spend time with each other, and to avoid becoming distracted by household chores or pressing business obligations.
Once the first two practices become habit, it’s time to move onto the big one: overnight (or two) without the children.
How is this possible, you ask? How can I leave my beautiful, sweet helpless children? Won’t they be completely heartbroken as well as house-destroying, without my all-knowing, benevolent, loving presence?
No, they won’t. This can be done in a calm, structured manner without any repercussions to children or home, and your marriage will benefit at the same time.
Here are a few different options to choose from:
1. You hire a babysitter, the children stay at home, you go to a hotel.
2. The children stay with friends or realtives, you have a stay-cation.
3. The children stay at home with friends or relatives and you go on a real trip.
Whatever you decide, the most important element in this scenario is finding excellent childcare. This is not the time to skimp. Very often, people rely on family members to watch their children, and although this can be the cheapest option, it is not always the recommended action. Bunking up with cousins or roughing it on grandma’s couch might be fun for an overnight or Shabbos, but children might have trouble sleeping in a foreign bed, and could suffer from the lack of regular structure. A reliable live-in babysitter, although expensive, will allow your children to maintain their schedule and routine. The babysitter can be either a couple of high school girls, a college-aged girl, or a niece. She should be someone who has already worked for you before, knows your children, and has proven to be trustworthy, reliable and has common sense.