Sometimes the child grows up sad, depressed, timid, and unable to make decisions or to take risks, believing he or she will fail – so why bother trying. Though an adult, there is a voice from childhood endlessly regurgitating the toxic message, “You are insignificant, second rate. You only got a B on your exam; you came in second in the race; you can’t do anything right, you are useless; no one will want to marry you.” Each biting, cutting remark lashes the soul and creates scars that never quite heal.
I believe lashon hara is not just gossip. Lashon hara is also “bad talking” – making someone feel bad about him or herself. Refraining from speaking lashon hara means not belittling, ridiculing, insulting, humiliating, denigrating, disparaging or scorning another human being. It is said that when you publicly embarrass someone, it’s like killing him, for you destroy his potential by eroding his self-esteem, setting him up for a lifetime of failed relationships and a skewed view of reality.
Even privately ridiculing a child, spouse, sibling or friend is just as soul-damaging. Hillel brilliantly assessed the lesson of the Torah as saying it’s all about treating someone as you want to be treated. Do you want to be mocked, minimized and made to feel irrelevant? Do you want your efforts to be ignored, your concerns derided, your goals laughed at, your achievements dismissed as inferior?
When a child bangs his finger and runs to his parents crying, it’s crucial that they validate this hurt, insignificant as it may actually be, and show love and concern. The life-enhancing message communicated is “You are valuable, your well-being is important – you matter.” This is the verbal oxygen your child’s psyche needs in order to develop healthily. Repeatedly ignoring the child, while yakking away on your phone, telling him not to be a cry-baby and waving him away or criticizing him for not being careful, is the equivalent of spiritual carbon monoxide.
I have met so many singles who never married. Some are socially awkward, others conversely have lovely, winning personalities, but fail to commit, rejecting one potential mate after another. There are a myriad of reasons no doubt for their reluctance to move on, but my guess is that for many, low self-esteem was a big factor. Some may exude confidence, but inwardly feel they are worthless – and unworthy – of happiness.
Or they might feel that once this wonderful person sees the “truth” of how she is sub-standard, and inferior, they will be rejected. To protect their already fragile ego, they reject first. “Oh, he’s only 5’10”. I’m looking for someone who is at least 6 feet.” A pre-emptive strike, so to speak.
It doesn’t matter how accomplished you actually are, if you believe you are a fraud, then you are. It is extremely difficult to silence that toxic voice trapped in your psyche insisting that you are inadequate. Tragically, parents who themselves were emotionally neglected or abused sometimes demand perfection from their offspring in a desperate but futile attempt to shore up their own diminished self-view, and are enraged when their kids fall short.
I know a handsome man in his upper 30’s who is university and yeshiva educated, yet he lives an unchallenged life, alone in a studio apartment, and works at a non-challenging job in a factory. It is safe and risk-free. Aloneness for him is protective.
Was he the hapless, hopeless child of dysfunctional, clueless parents who ignored or resented his existence, or were disgusted by his inability to live up to their unrealistic expectations and berated and verbally whipped him so much that he retreated from life?
I don’t know, but I do know that for many, the absence of pain is pleasure.