Case in point: I shared in this column that I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer twice, the first time when I was 39. As cancers go, thyroid is relatively “benign” compared to other, more aggressive ones. Post–op treatment often involves having no thyroid hormone replacement since it is crucial that the patient become hypothyroid in order for the radioactive iodine pill he or she will swallow to be effective. From what I understand, “starved” unseen thyroid cells that were not removed during surgery absorb the iodine and are “zapped” by the radiation.
For some reason, though I was quite hypothyroid, I did not feel achy, fatigued or fog-minded, which is something that frequently happens. In fact, I was upbeat and bouncy. As the radioactive pill is prepared in pairs, a second patient was going to be my “cellmate” although we were put in separate isolation rooms. She happened to be an Israeli woman who lived on my street, but whom I had never previously encountered. She was half carried/half dragged in by her husband, as she was too weak to walk. I remember thinking that while I was physically better off than her, I felt very deprived. I did not have any one to lean on, literally, no one to be my pillar. So, while I was grateful I was in “good health” relatively speaking, I felt bereft and even cheated. There was no one who would be holding my hand on the emotional and physical roller-coaster that is cancer.
The reason I am sharing this with you is because we just celebrated so many chagim. Yet for the unmarried, Yom Tov can be so painful. It is like walking a half-mile on one leg. Each step requires so much effort, and no matter how hard you try, you are not on par with your married counterparts.
Now is the time to look around at the men and woman in your community who are alone, and to make the effort to get to know them. Inviting several for a meal on Shabbat along with a couple of your married friends is a great way to network for them, and possibly be a cog in the dating wheel that can lead to the welcome end of their solo journey. By being instrumental in uniting a couple that will lead to new “worlds” (children), your entry to Olam Habah may be easier than you expected.
Having said that, however, if a man or a woman seems to have problematic social issues, if someone appears to be immature, self-centered or unkempt, you must not let your pity or compassion cause you to “find” someone for him or her. What you can suggest, in the most tactful way possible, is that he or she see a “marriage therapist” who can providing “tips” on how to put his or her best foot forward. That initial assessment can hopefully be the first crucial step on a road to recovery and mental fitness.
Too many well-meaning people have set up naive, trusting people with individuals who are not suitable for marriage, and as a result they suffer chronically and tremendously. While being united with your soul mate is life-enhancing, being married to the wrong person can be hell on earth. While being alone can be equated with walking on one leg, being miserably married is like walking on bleeding stumps.
May what we davened for so recently become a reality for the Klal, with good health, parnassah and the creation of batei ne’eman b’Yisrael.
