Besides the financial struggle that is on her shoulders, there is a psychological one, a situation that can have severe repercussions for the family and the community.
In a recent article Rabbi Shneur Aisenstark, the dean of Beth Jacob Seminary of Montreal, wrote about the phenomenon of kids from “good homes” going off the derech. He writes, “One cause I’ve identified is that in our communities, it is common – and perhaps necessary – for young women to have some sort of a profession in addition to their essential role: raising a Torahdig family, a generation of wholesome, happy children, equipped to become the next generation of parents. Our young women enter careers that take, time, effort, and energy – and that comes at the expense of their family life. They are not just physically drained, but emotionally depleted as well.
“Children who struggle within our system require tremendous amounts of attention and patience, and when a mother is overexerted, she can’t give them what they need. Yes, there are some superwomen who can successfully juggle career and children, but they are not the norm.”
Whatever happened to the Torah dictate to “teach your son a trade”? Obviously there was a reason why men were mandated to make a living, and until the last few decades frum Jewish men had a trade or a profession. Whether they were shoemakers or physicians, a husband contributed to his family’s parnassah,often supplemented in various creative ways by his eishet chayil.
Why has a lifestyle commanded by the Torah become an activity of derision, one that actually negatively impacts a young working man’s ability to marry an erliche girl? How is it that those fine bochrim who do have college degrees, are in business or are skilled laborers are viewed and stigmatized as second tier in terms of shiddichim? Many can’t get a first date because they “work.” Why are the girls still being made to feel that their true value and worth lies in supporting a learning boy and that they are flawed or inadequate if they even consider dating a boy who works?
Why can’t a husband work during the day, help his wife put the kids to bed, and then learn for several hours in the evening? And in the early morning? And on weekends? Maybe he could learn with his father-in-law who can finally semi-retire or relax and enjoy his free time learning now that doesn’t have to stay in his office or store and “ burn the midnight oil” in order to support his young son-in-law.
Lately I have been hearing quiet grumblings from people who admit that they regret not encouraging their sons to get a post-high school education after a year or two of learning. Five years later, with three or four kids, they are drowning in bills and unpaid credit cards and working in low-paying jobs because as much as they now want to go to college or learn a trade, they cannot afford to – they desperately need their day job just to pay the bare minimum of their debts.
Over the years I have read notices of parlor meetings and other gatherings on behalf of yeshivot and kollelim. These are always hosted in the opulent homes of wealthy businessmen or professionals – those former talmidim who decades earlier opted to work! They are never held in the modest apartments or homes of those who spent years learning (the exception being those who live in luxurious homes because they inherited or married into great wealth).
I heard third-hand of an incident of a man driving a prominent rav who had come into town to fund-raise, and as they approached the lovely home of the former student who was hosting him during his stay, the driver – another former talmid – quipped, “This is the home of the boy who didn’t listen to you” (and went to university).