Many years ago, there was a popular song that I loved exercising to called “Holding out for a Hero.” It had a great beat in which to do aerobics, but the words resonated too. The singer is waiting for a man who is “hero” who “has to be good and has to be strong.”
According to writer Elliott Katz, who is based in Toronto, many wives are waiting for their husbands, who may be good – kind considerate, hands-on with the kids – to also be strong. In other words, they want their man to be a gever, which translates from Hebrew as a “manly” man. They want to feel safe and protected.
Katz believes that many marriages are troubled and possibly on the verge of divorce because husbands wrongly believe they are being loving spouses by leaving all responsibilities at home to their wives. They think they are being good men when they let their wives make decisions – minor and major – and say, “Whatever you want. You decide.” They are accommodating their wife’s preferences, so she should be happy.
In his relationship advice book, Being the Strong Man A Woman Wants: Timeless Wisdom on Being a Man, which has been translated into 24 languages, Katz discusses the frustration women have in being the one to have to plan everything. For example, when he says, “You choose what we should do this summer – a road trip or rent a cottage.” There is no significant input from him.
He lets her decide, and if things go awry he can safely blame her as it was her decision. “We should have rented the cottage.”
Katz advises men to take more responsibility. He feels they should learn from Adam’s mistake when Chava got him to eat the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge when he knew it was wrong. Be a man and own it. When things go wrong, don’t blame your wife.
Why do men act this way? Katz says it’s because they weren’t taught the importance of doing their share of taking charge and making decisions. They’ve heard men being described as controlling and toxic, and they want to avoid that label. They want to be considered as being open-minded and tolerant. And some mistakenly go overboard with the waiving and avoidance of the decision making. They don’t understand that when a woman always has to tell a man what to do, it makes her feel like he is a child and she is his mother. She doesn’t want to be her adult spouse’s mother. She wants a partner. She wants someone navigating life with him in on their long journey through life. They should take turns being in the “driver’s seat.”
And when things go awry, he shouldn’t be a critical “back seat driver.”
While a woman might be initially flattered that her spouse has so much confidence in her and tells her to go ahead and make the decisions, it can backfire.
She doesn’t want to be the one who always has to “wear the pants.” A woman quoted in his book says, “It exasperates me when he always waits for me to tell him what to do.” This woman bemoans the reality that she is the “alpha male” in charge of their lives and craves a partner who can make decisions and do his share of taking responsibility for dealing with situations at home and in the family.
In Katz’s follow-up book How to Get Your Man to Wear the Pants … So You Don’t Have To (subtitle: “Inspiring him to make more decisions, take the lead and stop leaving it all to you!”) he offers women strategies on how they can achieve this goal and get their husbands to take charge more at home.
There is much sound advice in these books, and Katz has harnessed the wisdom of the Torah and Sages to support his insights on how marriages might improve. He believes that although some people think that both partners have to participate, it only takes one person to improve the relationship. “The only person you can change is yourself. When one person transforms his or herself, their partner will respond more positively to them.”
Katz says it is about making a choice that you are going to change because you want a better marriage and you’re no longer waiting for the other person to change.
People can change. This includes people I have written about in previous articles, who were emotionally and even physically abused growing up, and told they were inferior, incompetent, stupid, worthless and sub-standard. Decades later, these men and women are terrified of “messing up” and avoid responsibility when they’re married. They can still modify their negative self-image and create a better relationship with personal or couples’ therapy.
However, there may be couples who are content with their spouse being in charge and if it works for them, there is no need to change.
Katz believes a man can become the hero his wife has been holding out for. A woman can inspire her husband to be that hero. The reward is a man who is a gever, and a wife who feels that she isn’t standing on one leg (single parents and married parents can feel that way) but on two.
The ensuing mutual respect are key ingredients to their shalom bayit.
