Dear Mordechai,
Why are guest beds so uncomfortable?
Rocky Pillows
Dear Rocky,
Guest beds are always going to be uncomfortable, because the people whose house it is have no idea. They got the beds new at some point, and they don’t know that when you lie down on them, it feels like you’re sleeping on slinkies. And sofa beds have their own issues, like how easy it is to lose your yarmulke.
When it comes to guest beds, it’s not like the guests will get together and buy comfortable beds; it’s up to the hosts. And the hosts have no idea they need them.
Though that would definitely be a good idea for a hostess gift if someone invites you for Shabbos – show up with a couple of mattresses.
“Oh, you shouldn’t have!”
“Well, they’re not for you.”
“Okay,” you’re saying. “But shouldn’t the hosts keep on top of it and figure out when it’s time to buy new mattresses?”
And they do. Every single time they have a guest, they ask, “How did you sleep?” They honestly want to know. And what does every guest say? “Good!” Because they want to be polite. And because they don’t want to be the one person who complains. At best, you’ll say, “There’s something wrong with the guest mattress,” and the hosts will say, “That’s strange. The last 800 people didn’t complain.”
As a guest, you will never say if something’s wrong, because you’re not supposed to. You’re supposed to be polite. These people took you into their home. Guests aren’t supposed to complain. Avraham Avinu took guests into his home all the time. His tent had four doors. You think any one of his guests said to him, “Listen, Mr. Avinu, it’s like sleeping in a gazebo. Cross breezes all night. I don’t know how you do it. And aren’t I supposed to sleep with my head away from the door? How do I manage that?”
No, guests don’t say anything. That’s why most guests will never admit to not using the fancy guest soap laid out in the guest bathroom that everyone is afraid to use. They’re walking around with filthy hands. This is why you should never let your guests help in the kitchen. If they offer, you should say, “Nah, you just sit at the table and make awkward conversation with your spouse in our dining room. We’ll be talking about you in there.”
So the real question is, “How can we, as hosts, make sure our guest beds are comfortable?” Because your guests will never say anything.
Well, what a lot of women do is they occasionally make their husbands sleep in the guest room. And then they know. The husband comes back and says, “The beds are horrible in there!” And the wife goes, “Good!” and then she makes a note to order new ones. So if you’re ever in a house with comfortable guest beds, you know that someone sleeps there from time to time.
Dear Mordechai,
How do I keep my kids from constantly making messes in their room?
Lego City
Dear Lego,
Line the entire floor of their room in mattresses. The kids will be jumping day and night, and there’s no way they’re going to leave toys around for themselves to land on.
A side benefit is that you won’t need a ladder for their bunk beds.
And if you think about it, kids like sleeping on the floor anyway. And having sleepovers. In fact, I think carpeting your kids’ room with mattresses is a very smart investment, especially if they’re right over the dining room.