“Why are you asking me for forgiveness? You gave me shalach manos!”
“No, it was a backup. Someone else gave it to us.”
“Well, that explains why it was exactly like the one I got from Siegal.”
Dear Mordechai,
Is it “shalach manos” or “mishloach manos”?
Sholom (or Mishulem)
Dear Mishulem,
Well, the Megillah clearly calls it mishloach manos. But society has elected to call it shalach manos for some reason, possibly because “mishloach” takes too long to say. Shalach manos is one syllable shorter, and you have a busy day because you have to give out 200 shalach manos, or whatever. You can’t hang out at every single house pronouncing the extra syllable. You need your nap.
And actually, it’s not just one syllable. Mishloach manos is two whole words, whereas “shalachmuniss” is one, like “shalashuddis.”
So this is what society has decided is right. You can hold out and call it mishloach manos, but then no one will give you shalach manos.
Dear Mordechai,
My kids have been accumulating teachers, apparently, between morning and afternoon and computers and getting pulled out of class for special help, and I just realized that between my 4 kids, we have 46 teachers. How on earth is this possible? And if my kids have special helpers that take them out of class, why am I giving the regular teachers?
Running in Circles
Dear Running,
Your family might have to split up to get to everyone. You can go in one car with some of your kids, and have your parrot go in another. Or have your parrot stay home and answer the door.
Dear Mordechai,
I have a friend in town that I don’t talk to so much anymore. How do I get him off my shalach manos list?
Trimming the Fat
Dear Trimming,
Um, you can’t. You’re stuck with him forever. Or for several tough years of him coming to your door and walking away with a dollar until he gets the message.
That’s life. We keep accumulating new people in our lives, and there’s no good way to stop giving someone shalach manos. Sure, you can just cross him off the list, but he probably won’t get the memo. If anything, he’ll come by to bring you a basket, because the last few years you came to him, and you didn’t show up at his house this year, so he figures he’s saving you the trip. And now you have to give him a backup shalach manos because otherwise he’ll be confused about your relationship and why you suddenly didn’t give him.
“What did I do? I barely even spoke to you!”
And then he’ll think you made one for him, and he’ll come by again next year.
The only way to drop people is to move. Or, when people come to the door, you can just be asleep. The rabbis knew what they were talking about.
You can also stop people from giving you by starting to call it “mishloach manos,” but if they’re really your friends, they might muscle past that. So it also helps to be less likeable. I don’t mean to insult you here, but you’re pretty likeable, and that’s got to stop. You’re ruining lives. I don’t know, maybe show up at people’s homes drunk or something. Or send your parrot. Or better yet, a drunk parrot.
“Is that parrot drunk?”
“No. It had a little more rum that it was used to, and now it’s sleeping.”
Dear Mordechai,