A conversation needs a venue. How do we go about finding common space in which to pursue a relationship? Can we think beyond the kosher restaurant and the Orthodox shul? Might it be possible to meet in the auditorium or library of a teachers’ center, community day school, or other more diverse location? I am not suggesting that those uncomfortable with meeting in, let’s say, a Reform congregation should violate their boundaries, I am hoping that the search for a meeting of the minds can lead to holding such a meeting at a table where everyone fits.
Generally, the word “yes” is easier to hear than “no.” Can we frame ideas constructively, and keep doing it until it becomes automatic? Can we teach ourselves to say, “Let’s try this!!” instead of “I can’t do that” or “Wednesday night is better for me” instead of “How can you suggest a Thursday night?”
If we truly honor the other participants in a conversation, we can support, empathize with, and even celebrate their feelings. This is not the same as sharing those feelings, nor is it the same as imagining that the same circumstances would cause us to feel the same way. It doesn’t require us to change or to hide our values. If someone wants to share the description of, let’s say, a “creative” Pesach seder, or an evening gown that we would not choose to wear, can we develop a way to be honestly glad that the other person is happy, or feels special, or spent important time connecting with loved ones, and say so wholeheartedly? Can we validate the feelings, and let the content alone for a while? Perhaps we can say things, sincerely, enthusiastically, like, “That color is great on you!” even when we cannot, in all honesty, say, “You look great!” Perhaps we can choose to say, “How wonderful to be with people you care about!” even if we can’t say, “I wish I had a seder like that!”
There is, no doubt, more to say on the subject of achdus, and more to hear from others about where the process needs to go. Perhaps I might even fantasize that these thoughts become part of a series, written jointly with someone whose Jewish perspective differs from mine. I would love to find that co-author, and pray that such a person would be equally willing to undertake the task. May it be the will of Hashem that we learn to recognize each other, to identify our shared goals, and to achieve them together. That would be real achdus.