Dear Mordechai,
What am I supposed to write on the little card that goes with the mishloach manos?
I don’t know; something honest. Honesty’s always the best policy, especially if it rhymes. And if you can’t be honest on Purim, when can you be honest?
Here are a bunch of suggestions:
When Haman came home from taking Mordechai around town,
His wife told him he needed a shower.
Speaking of which, you should put these yogurts in the fridge,
‘Cuz they’ve been in our car for an hour.
***
Achashveyrosh made a huge party,
And everyone ate like a pig.
So sorry we gave you so much food.
The bags that we bought were too big.
***
In yeshiva the shopping ain’t easy,
I spent all day collecting for green,
But I hope you like this shalach manos,
As it’s straight from the vending machine.
***
There’s a wonderful minhag on Purim,
To give to whomever you know,
That said, I do not have one clue what is in here;
I got it five minutes ago.
***
The Purim story shows that our fate isn’t sealed,
And there is no such thing as forecasting,
That said, I’m sorry I overstuffed this bag,
But I bought this food while I was fasting.
***
We tried to make this all nice,
And we tried to give it class.
But as a result it is hard to clean up,
We are sorry there’s so much fake grass.
***
This year our theme is “yellow,”
Because it’s the same sheen,
As an emoji costume
We bought after Halloween.
Sorry everything tastes like bananas.
***
We love our Sunday Purims and wish they were everlasting,
To start, there is no “Haman” banging while we are fasting,
We also have more prep time, although use it we did not,
We hope you like your manos – it’s leftovers from Shabbat.
***
Roses are red, and violets are blue.
Well, that’s not true.
Nothing in nature is blue.
Not even blueberries.
Violets are purple, but nothing rhymes with purple.
Or orange.
Why did we go with a color theme again?
***
We didn’t give you last year,
Nor any year before,
Yet every Purim you come bringing manos to our door.
So this year we remembered,
I largely thank my wife,
And watch – this is the year that you’ll have moved on with your life.
***
Our rabbi said, “Keep Purim simple.”
And know this comes from love,
But if we give to just one person,
It should be our rav.
So don’t tell him we’re giving you this.
***
We’re sorry we showed up,
Without giving you a holler,
But enjoy your shalach manos,
And thank you for the dollar.
***
We wrapped your food in cellophane and tied it up with twine;
We generally just go with bags, but this way seemed more fine.
But as this was our first time there was some flaw in design;
The puddle on your walkway is what used to be your wine.
***
We put a lot of thought to this, so please do not regift,
As no offense but we know you can be a huge spendthrift.
So we wrote our name on something, and we’re not telling you where.
We’re gonna see how long it takes to find its way back here.
***
Our theme is foods
That were on sale,
And things that we got
For free in the mail.
Hope you like charoses!
***
Here are some ‘taschen I spend all day making,
(And eating the ones that popped open while baking.)
To share our favorite recipe we went one extra mile,
So make sure to just toss them onto your big pile,
So you no longer know which ones you should taste,
And you send them to school with your son who eats paste.
***
Every moment on earth,
Is a gift from Hashem.
Don’t regift this to Schwartzberg,
We got it from them.
***
I filled all these bags myself;
The kids didn’t do a thing.
So look inside and tell me if,
You come across my ring.
***
Because we’re all watching our weight,
And eating with our brains,
We figured that this year we’d give out
Veggies and whole grains.
We came up with a plan that involved
Quinoa, groats, and kale,
But then at the last minute,
All this candy went on sale.
***
Sorry I didn’t hang around and schmooze,
In my costume with no air condition,
But I have 200 more manos to deliver,
With zero peripheral vision.
For the first five minutes, I wasn’t even aware that you’d answered the door.
***
Look at all the foods inside,
And put them all tzuzammen.
We hope that you can figure out,
The theme they have in common.
Because we could not.
Have a question for “You’re Asking Me?” Make sure it rhymes.
