One option that a lot of people assume is faster is self-checkouts. Self-checkouts are awesome. Last week I got eight bags of groceries for like 6 dollars.
But they’re not always quicker. About three times per transaction, the cashier has to come help you – by which we mean fix everything simply by waving his supermarket card – and there’s one cashier for all 15 self-checkouts.
Also, the sensor is ADD.
It says, “Please place item in the bagging area.”
So you put the item in, and it goes, “Unexpected item in the bagging area.”
Well, that was quick.
Also, if you put a light item, such as a bag of chips, in the bagging area, the machine will be convinced that you didn’t.
Anyway, there’s never enough room in the bagging area for everything I buy. I think I need to bring along a bagger, and also, while I’m at it, someone to sit in the bagging area with the chips. Where are my kids when I need them?
Oh, right. They’re in school. That’s why I need chips.
Anyway, as I see it, the best line to get on is the longest line, because that’s full of people who are sick and tired and just want to get out of there. They’re helping bag the groceries, they’re not fighting about coupons, and they’re changing their mind about items in their cart and putting them off to the side.
Dear Mordechai,
What do I do with the little sliver at the end of the bar of soap?
Impatient
Dear Impatient,
1. Donate it to a hotel. Or the men’s mikvah. Where do you think the tiny bars come from?
2. You can give it to your kids to play with at bath time. Alternatively, you can give them a fresh bar, and an hour later, it will be gone, they will look like tiny old people, and the bath water will be whatever color the bar of soap was.
3. Maybe you can save all your gross little slivers and fuse them together – along with one weird hair sticking out of the middle – into one Frankenstein bar that everyone is afraid to use.
4. Or you can melt them down and make a candle. I don’t know if it’ll work, but your house will smell awesome.
Dear Mordechai,
How do I clean honey off of things? I don’t want to talk about it.
Sticky
Dear Sticky,
That’s a great question. Honey gets everywhere. Last Rosh Hashanah was also a 3-day Yom Tov, and the kids were going in and out all day, and by the end of the first day I realized that the front doorknob was sticky. On the outside.
Seriously, once the honey is open, everything feels sticky. I don’t even know how bees manage to fly. I currently have a bottle of honey that is stuck in one place in my cabinet. It’s been there for years.
And it’s a bear to clean. You can’t even touch the sink and turn it on to wash your hands. This is why men go to the mikvah this time of year. They can just jump right in. It also explains the consistency of the water late in the day.
But here are some other tips:
-If honey spills on your table, you can clean it up using an absorbent piece of challah. Or an apple.
-You can also clean it by using a small sliver of soap to weird people out.
-If the honey is on a hard surface, first scrape off as much as you can, using a credit card. Then buy some Formula 409, using a different credit card.
