Being ill and possibly needing surgery is no laughing matter. Well one would certainly believe so. I am not sure how many of you readers have had this experience, but I did and it truly tested the limits of my sanity!
My oncologist had recommended that I see a specific urologist to discuss a weighty issue that might mean a kidney problem, or cancer of the Ureter, the tube that leads from the bladder to the kidney. So what is so funny? Nothing you might assume, right? Wrong!
I guess I wouldn’t be writing this if I hadn’t just hung up from over two hours of phone calls, having been placed on hold, been transferred and called back, re-tried – more than once. My grandmother, z”l, had a favorite saying, in German, of course, which went something like, “I’d also laugh if the boy wasn’t mine.”
The experience went something like this:
Telephonist: Good morning this is Mount Sinai, Beth Israel, Columbia, New York Hospital, Lenox Hill ( and maybe more names of formerly independent medical centers), this is Shirley how can I help you?
Me: Huh? Forgot who I was calling I think I am sick and need a doctor…
Tel: Please hold a moment…
Me: Huh, what just happened?
Telephonist: Good morning this is Mount Sinai, Beth Israel, Columbia, New York Hospital, Lenox Hill ( and maybe more names of formerly independent medical centers), this is Shirley how can I help you?
Me: Huh? Forgot who I was calling I think I am sick and need a doctor. (Thinking lucky I wasn’t really sick. I only with Stage IV B Cancer, or the beginnings of dementia, ‘cause until they came back I surely would have been more demented and more ill – which maybe I was!)
Me: Hello AGAIN, I would like to make an appointment with an Urologist.
Telephonist: Do you have cancer?
Me: Yes
Telephonist: You need to call an Onco-Urology. I can’t transfer you call this number…
Me: Hello, my oncologist told me to call this office specifically.
Tel: Do you have cancer?
Me: Yes
Tel: Do you have Prostate cancer?
Me: No, I have Endometrial cancer
Tel: Doctor X sees onco-urology, prostate cancer patients. Call the Onco-Gynecology department. Sorry I can’t transfer you but here is their number.
Me: ( I am skipping the four to eight hospital name and telephonist’s ever cheery “Good afternoon”, for you, dear reader.)
Hello: I would like to make an appointment with an oncologist.
Tel: Do you have cancer?
Me: Yes
Tel: How do you know? You haven’t been with us before!
Me: Trust me I know, I’ve had surgery and laboratory work and I DO HAVE CANCER.
Tel: Well why are you calling if you have already been seen, and not by us?
Me: Well my Gyn/Onc recommended your hospital for surgery for my Ureter.
Tel: It is called a Uterus, dear.
Me: No DEAR, the tube I need repaired is called a Ureter and is part of the Urologic System.
Tel: Well you need to call Onco-Urology, I can’t transfer you, but here is the number…
Telephonist: Good morning this is Mount Sinai, Beth Israel, Columbia, New York Hospital, Lenox Hill (*and maybe more or different NYC hospital names of formerly independent medical centers), Onco-Urology Department, this is Shirley, how can I help you?
Me: (screaming and crying in laughter and frustration): I AM A WOMAN WITH CANCER! GOD DIDN’T MAKE US WITH PROSTATES. WE DO HAVE KIDNEYS AND ALL THE OTHER EQUIPTMENT THAT MAKES THEM WORK to make PEE PEE, KNOWN TO DOCTORS OF IN THE FIELD OF UROLOGY.