Dear Dr. Yael,
I am married to a very special husband. We have two children under the age of three. We baruch Hashem get along very well, for the most part. We are planning to go for the first days to my in-laws. My mother-in-law is very critical of me. My mother-in-law is constantly telling me I am wasteful in many ways and also criticizes how I raise the children. My in-laws do not support us. We both work and baruch Hashem we make good parnassah. We take excellent care of our children. Sometimes we will use plastic and we definitely go through a lot of diapers. This really bothers my mother-in-law, but we like to keep the children clean and plastic saves me a lot of time and energy. I try to buy things on sale, but my mother-in-law still thinks I am wasteful. My husband is a true partner to me, and he always takes my side and respectfully tells my mother-in-law that I am a true eishes chayil. I appreciate going away for pesach, but I am dreading the tension and the criticism. Please give me ideas how to handle this challenging situation. I spend too much time crying and it is not good for me, the children, or my marriage.
A Daughter-in-Law in Despair
Dear Daughter-in-Law in Despair,
Thank you for writing. The mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship can be very challenging. Your situation sounds especially challenging. I do not know why your mother-in-law is so critical, but baruch Hashem, it sounds like she raised a special son. It is possible that your mother-in-law may be an insecure person. People who are very critical often criticize to raise themselves up, so insecure people often put others down to make themselves feel better. Most critical people are not happy, positive, and confident people. Do your in-laws have a good marriage? Is your mother-in-law jealous of your marriage and possibly of you? One technique that may be helpful is to try to build your mother-in-law’s self-esteem even though she is hurting you. This is a very difficult thing to do because you are in essence prasing someone who is putting you down. This will take A LOT of strength and building yourself up. It will also take the wind out of your mother-in-law’s sails and be the most helpful thing you can do in this difficult situation.
Imagine that your mother-in-law is putting you down. You, in turn, find something to compliment her on and change the topic. There is a very good chance that your positivity, in response to your mother-in-law’s negativity, will completely surprise her and render her mute. Most critical people do not know what to do when someone is praising them and being positive with them, and they are very unlikely to continue criticizing that person once the other person responds in a positive way. Do you think you can come armed with praise and positivity? It will be extremely difficult at first, but once you start doing it, the atmosphere will hopefully change, and you will feel less tension and negativity.
Changing your perspective will be the key to this whole operation. If you can see your mother-in-law as someone who is insecure and doesn’t feel good about herself, instead of seeing her as a scary woman who is always mean to you, you will be more likely to be able to flip things around. Chances are you are allowing your mother-in-law to make you feel insecure and you are feeling bad about the things she says. If you can take a step back and realize that what she is saying is nonsense and you are amazing (and couple this with changing how you see your mother-in-law), you may be able to try this difficult technique. I hope that you can go to your in laws feeling armed with confidence, positivity, and praise and that you can successfully cut the criticism off. Please build yourself up temendously before you go and remember that your mother-in-law is likely coming from a place of insecurity. Do not take anything your mother-in-law says to heart and remind yourself that it is NOT TRUE (say this over and over to yourself, as often as necessary, to change your neural pathway regarding your mother-in-law’s criticism)! Try your hardest to keep changing the conversation to praising your mother-in-law and you will see that she will have a harder time criticizing you. Once you do this a few times, it will become easier for you because you will see that it’s almost comedic how this can work.
Hatzlacha this Pesach and I hope you can enjoy the Yom Tov without the tension and criticism this year!
