No One Has All the Answers

Q: As a parent, I always feel like I need to have the answers. I want to do everything right. I want to be perfect. I don’t always know the answers, and I am not always perfect. What’s the right thing? Should I try to be perfect or just let go?

A: In his book, Parenting Without Fear: Letting Go of Worry and Focusing on What Really Matters, Paul J. Donahue explains the dilemma that modern parents face: “Much of our anxiety as parents stems from the fact that there are so many things we cannot control in our children’s lives. We want answers to our questions and sometimes may be tempted to think we can exert a little extra influence here and there: How tall will he be? Will he be handsome? Will she be a good athlete or musician? Can I count on him becoming one of the smart kids? Will she be social and enjoy the company of lots of friends?”

In reality, there is little that we as parents can do to ensure that a child will be tall (short of getting growth hormone injections). Additionally, your child’s musical ability is innate – while it can be cultivated – it cannot be magically produced.

Most parents who worry about the minutiae of their children’s movements, emotions, and actions are simply acting out of the best interest for their children, but because no parent can completely control these aspects of their children’s lives, what results is a growing sense of failure and disappointment in both parent and child.

When they are young, children simply want to please their parents and will do their best to live up to even the highest expectations. However, repeated failure to meet inflated hopes can injure children’s self-esteem. In turn, as they grow older, they might choose to fail without even trying. This concept labeled “self-handicapping” in psychology is often employed by children brought up by parents who expect them to be perfect. People who “self-handicap” choose not to try and instead fail automatically. This way they do not have to experience the disappointment of trying and failing.

As a parent, how can you change your thinking to encourage your children without insisting on perfection both in your own actions and in theirs? Below is a chart of the fears that perfectionist parents experience and their lessons they can teach their children if they successfully let go of that fear.

With these six lessons, parents can provide their young children with the foundation for learning, core values, and the strength they will need to tackle the challenges in the years ahead. Kids who have this groundwork are more likely to develop a positive self-image, to gain the confidence to follow their own desires and interests, and to find the will to resist the pull of the crowd when it veers away from their beliefs and goals.rifka