Spotted!

Dear Dating Coach,

I’ve gotten the same feedback from a couple of people I have dated recently. They are saying that I am too quiet. The thing is… I am quiet. I’m not shy because I’m nervous. I’m just naturally a calm, reserved person. I listen more than I talk, and I don’t usually have the urge to fill every silence. Now I’m worried. I want to get married, but I don’t know how to change something that feels like my personality. Am I supposed to become someone I’m not? How do I deal with this feedback?

Reserved but Ready

Dear Reserved,

Picture a leopard who decides he has had enough of all this “spot business.” Every morning he stands in front of the mirror with a paint roller, muttering, “Today’s the day I reinvent myself.” He buys “Solid Tan for Beginners,” watches motivational videos called Become the Gazelle You Were Meant to Be, and spends two hours carefully covering every last spot. He struts proudly onto the savannah, only for the first puddle, light drizzle, or enthusiastic sneeze to wash everything right off. The zebras are laughing, the giraffes are politely pretending not to notice, and the other leopards are saying, “You know, we actually liked the spots.” By sunset, he’s exhausted, not from being a leopard, but from trying to be a very unconvincing lion.

Let a Leopard Leopard

You are who you are. Quiet and not loud. Yet, the feedback you recently received feels like an attack on your personality. You have always been more introverted. And while you want to meet the right person for you, you are not sure how you can possibly change your behavior to suit your dates. Now you are concerned that this could affect your chances of finding your bashert. The goal of dating is not to audition for Mr. Entertaining. It’s to let someone discover the real you. If you force yourself to chatter nonstop because you are afraid of another “too quiet” review, you will spend your dates acting a part instead of finding someone who genuinely appreciates your personality. That said, there’s an important distinction between being quiet and being hard to get to know. A quiet person can still be warm, expressive, curious, and engaged. You don’t need to talk constantly, but you do need to help the other person feel like they’re getting to know you. Share your opinions. Tell a story from your week. Ask thoughtful follow-up questions. Smile. React. Let your personality peek through, even if it comes out in fewer words.

Sometimes, people describe someone as “too quiet” when what they really mean is, “I couldn’t tell what they were thinking,” or “I wasn’t sure if they were enjoying themselves.” Those are much easier things to improve than changing your entire personality. And remember, feedback isn’t always a verdict. If two people thought you were too quiet, that doesn’t automatically mean your future spouse will. In fact, many people are specifically drawn to someone who is calm, thoughtful, and a great listener. The right person won’t be looking for the loudest voice in the room; they’ll be looking for someone whose voice feels genuine. So don’t try to become a different animal. Just let your own stripes (er, spots) show a little more clearly. The person who is meant for you isn’t searching for the world’s chattiest date. They are searching for you.