Q: I keep hearing different things about time out as a punishment for children. What are some of the benefits of time out for children? What are some of the disadvantages of time out for children?
A: The Case for Time Out
While at different points there is negative press surrounding the use of time outs, many psychologists and educators believe that when used correctly, a time out can be effective and valuable. According to psychologist Daniela Owen at the San Francisco Bay Center for Cognitive Therapy, time outs increased compliance and positive behavior far more than other forms of discipline. Here are some guidelines when enforcing time out.
Separate. When negative behavior occurs, the parent should take the child way from the situation and place the child in a separate area. This area need not be in another room.
Explain. In as few words as possible, explain what the child did to earn the time out. For instance, a parent might say, “No hitting” or “Don’t hit.”
Set a time. A reasonable amount of time is the child’s age in minutes. For example, if the child is three, time out should be three minutes.
Don’t attend. Once the child is in time out, the parent should avoid eye contact and not speak to the child. Time out is time out from the parents and the rest of the action happening in the house.
Embrace. When time out is over, “time in” begins. Parents should hug their child and let them know that they are loved.
Discuss. Later that evening or at a calm time before bedtime, parents can discuss with the child the events that led up to the time out. This will allow everybody to rationally and calmly evaluate how to better proceed in the future.
Errors While Enforcing Time Out
Little time in. In order for time out to work, there has to be a lot of “time in” in the family. In other words, you need to create a positive and rich environment for children in your home so that the time out is simply a “time out” from all the exciting things that are going on around them. Otherwise, children will choose to misbehave in order to get the attention (even if it is negative) to elicit a response from their parents.
Lots of threats. Many parents I work with often threaten their children with time out, but do not enforce it. This will undermine the whole idea of time out. Empty threats do not breed positive behavior.
Too much talk. When putting children in time out, parents often (because they are so agitated) will lengthily explain to their children why they are going to time out. For instance, a parent might say, “Moshe, you are going to time out because you grabbed the ball and you wouldn’t listen to Mommy and then you hit Mommy. You have to have time out when you do things like that.”
When a child is in the midst of a fit, he will not be able to attend to that kind of speech, plus that defeats the purpose of a “time out” from attention. Therefore, stick to as few words as possible.
No real time out. When children act out while placed in time out, parents often respond to them. If they are yelling, they tell them to be quiet and if they are laughing, they tell them to be quiet. Instead, simply ignore their responses as long as they are in time out. Time out should simply be a time out from all responses.
The Case Against Time Out
Dr. Dan Siegel, in his book No Drama Discipline, writes:
You really can discipline in a way that’s full of respect and nurturing, but that also maintains clear and consistent boundaries. In other words, you can do better. You can discipline in a way that’s high on relationship, high on respect, and low on drama and conflict – and in the process, you can foster development that builds good relationship skills and improves your children’s ability to make good decisions, think about others, and act in ways that prepare them for lifelong success and happiness.
He explains that your parenting will not only be effective, but your children will create more connections in their brains and therefore build stronger emotional and social skills. Part of his method is based on the fact that the word discipline comes from the Latin word “to teach.” Discipline is about teaching, not punishment or consequences.
Daniel Siegel argues against time outs saying that time outs teach children that when they are struggling, they are on their own and do not have parents to help them. Instead, he says that parents should ask themselves three questions before they respond to negative behavior:
Why? Why did the child act that way?
What? What lesson do I want to teach?
How? How can I teach that lesson?
One method that Siegel suggests to use for discipline, instead of time out, is “connect and redirect.” This is how “connect and redirect” works: If your eight-year-old is throwing a fit because he can’t believe his birthday isn’t for another eight months, chances are that he is experiencing a lot of right brain (emotional or illogical activity). Rather than responding to your child with logical questions, which he will not be able to hear because he is in the midst of a wave of emotional thinking, react to him with emotions. Hold him tight and tell him that you understand how frustrating that might be. Once he is able to calm down, then you help him work through the problem logically. In this way, you are connecting to him through his left brain (emotions) and redirecting his emotions through his right brain (logic). This will help him become better integrated in the future as well.
The jury is still out, but it’s worth thinking about either way – it’s worth thinking about discipline as an opportunity to teach. After all, as parents, that is our primary job!