Word Prompt – SORRY – Rachel Tuchman

Elul is a time for self-reflection.

There is a difference between feeling guilty about something we've done and feeling ashamed of who we are. Guilt says, "I did something bad," shame turns that into, "I’m a bad person."

Sometimes we assume that the worse we feel about ourselves, the more remorseful we must be, but shame doesn't necessarily make us more accountable. If admitting that we did something wrong feels like proof that we’re bad, we may be more likely to become defensive, make excuses, or minimize what happened.

Taking responsibility requires us to be able to hold two truths at the same time: I can be a good person who does good things, and I can also hurt people sometimes and I need to repair that with them.

That should be part of the psychological work of Elul too. We don't have to hate ourselves in order to take an honest look at ourselves, and beating ourselves up isn't helping us take responsibility.

A meaningful "I'm sorry" isn't supposed to leave us believing that we're terrible rather it’s supposed to help us recognize where we went wrong, make amends, and use that awareness to do better.