A Delicate Ingredient in Second Marriages

As we observe the traditional and sad routine of the Nine Days, abstaining from the pleasures of music, meat, wine and swimming, we remember the recent horrific destruction of the Second Temple because of sinas chinum. Therefore, at this time of year, we apply an extra effort to correct this grave shortcoming in our lives and also educate those who are near to us to avoid this poisonous sin.

I would like to dedicate this article to a specific area that pertains to a segment of our culture, and which warrants proper education and correction. This is the subject of second marriages and the treatment of stepchildren by their stepparents and the treatment of stepparents by stepchildren.

The pasuk says, “Kalev ben Yefunah haKenazi.” Since Kalev was the son of Yefunah, what is meant by ‘haKenazi’? The great Rabbeinu Bachya, zt”l, zy”a, tells us that Kenaz was the stepfather of Kalev and he was given the Biblical honor of being treated like a parent. In truth, we know from the Ten Commandments the mitzvah to honor a stepparent, as the Gemara in Kiddushin teaches us, “Kabeid es avicha, l’rabos eishes avicha – Honor (es) your father, (and the word ‘es’ conveys) to include your father’s wife, v’es imecha - (and this ‘es’ likewise conveys) to include your mother’s husband.”

Many second marriages are sadly short-lived or become dismal relationships. This is most often caused by the poor behavior of the children toward the new spouse. Many times, this poor behavior is generated by improper feelings of righteous indignation, as the children feel outraged that this “new person” is invading the hallowed position of their mother or their father. We must know that we don’t get to choose what is right or what is wrong. Rather, we follow the dictates of the Torah that teaches us, in no uncertain terms, the importance of honoring a stepparent.

The Torah expects more from children than simply tolerating a second spouse. In Bereishis, it says “V’Yitzchak ba mibo Be’er Lachai Ro’I – Yitzchak came [to his ‘first meeting’ with Rivka] from the location of Be’er Lachai Ro’i.” Rashi informs us that Yitzchak went there to bring Hagar/Keturah back to his father after the death of his mother, Sarah. If anyone had a reason to be upset over someone else stepping into his mother’s shoes, it would be Yitzchak, whose mother lived 127 perfect years. And now, Sarah was going to be replaced by Hagar, the same woman who his mother had thrown out of the house years before! And yet, Yitzchak did not merely tolerate this, he facilitated it. Perhaps this is a partial meaning of kabeid es avicha, to include a father’s wife: that one of the ways to honor a father is to make sure that he doesn’t remain alone and lonely.

The great Bobover Rebbe, Rav Shloima of Bobov, zt”l, zy”a, said the only place in the Torah where it says lo tov, it is not good, is the verse, “Lo tov he’yos ha’adam l’vado – It is not good for a man to be alone.” There is a famous Yiddish aphorism, “Alein iz ah shtein – Being alone is like a stone!”

It is completely incorrect behavior for children to have an attitude of, “Why does our parent need to get remarried. After all, he has all of us. And the memories should be sufficient.” And behavior by children like, “While she’s (or he’s) in our home, we will not come to visit,” or, “Don’t expect us to treat him (or her) like family,” are perfect examples of sinas chinam, and home wrecking of the worst kind.

Having said this, the new parent can’t expect to automatically get respect from the children without making a reciprocal effort to earn it. I never call my second wife’s children by the term “stepchildren.” To me, that word has a negative connotation. I call them my “new children.”

Let me share with you a piece of advice that I got from the great Skverer Rebbe, HaRav David Twersky, shlit”a. When my wife Shoshy and I got engaged, we went to the Rebbe for a beracha. I took the opportunity to ask the Rebbe if he had any advice for us to succeed in our second marriage. The Rebbe stated decisively, “Treat each other’s children even better than you treat your own children.” Obviously, the Rebbe knows from his vast experience that this issue can be, if handled incorrectly, a ruination of a new union. And although, as my wife so realistically points out, you can’t expect to feel the same emotionally about a child, a teen, or adult (that you first meet as children or even after they are married) as you feel about the child you gave birth to and raised.

What the Rebbe was saying is that you must make external efforts. For example, if I see one of my biological children’s names on my caller ID and I’m in the middle of something, I might not pick up the call, reasoning that I’ll call them back when I finish. However, if I see on the caller ID that it’s one of my “new children” calling, I pick up immediately. When we don’t behave like a stepparent, hopefully they won’t behave like stepchildren.

Although the Nine Days embrace all kinds of sinas chinam, I wanted to zoom in for this article on this one vital area. In the merit of havo’as shalom bein ish l’ishto, bringing a husband and wife closer in all situations, may we merit long life, good health, and everything wonderful.