Broken-Hearted

Dear Dating Coach,

I had been dating someone, and everything went smoothly and beautifully. We really connected, things felt good, and eventually we got engaged. I was so happy and so excited about the future we were going to build together. Then, three weeks after our engagement, he met with me and told me that he couldn’t go through with the wedding. After doing some deep thinking and really looking inward, he said that he just didn’t feel the way he needed to feel and didn’t believe he was making the right decision. I was completely blindsided. Now I’m left heartbroken and trying to figure out how to move forward. I’m feeling sadness and pain, but also guilt and even shame. I keep wondering what I did wrong, what I should have seen, and how I’m supposed to pick myself up and start again when I was so sure this was it. How do I move forward from something I never saw coming?

Side Swiped

Dear Swiped,

I recently had a car accident. Well… sort of. A car hit my car while it was parked in a parking lot. I wasn’t even in the car! I simply walked into the parking lot one day, completely minding my own business, and found my car looking like it had been through a very bad day. The entire side was smashed. Was I somehow responsible for this?! But nope. I wasn’t driving. I wasn’t even there. I had literally done absolutely nothing. In fact, I had been having a perfectly peaceful day, and apparently my car had other plans. And yet, somehow, I was still left dealing with the insurance, the repairs, the inconvenience, and, of course, the bill. Apparently, you can be sitting completely innocently on the sidelines and still somehow end up paying for the damage.

Mechanical Delay

You are going through something incredibly painful. A broken engagement is a loss, and it deserves to be treated like one. People often try to make it feel better by saying, “Well, at least it’s better than a divorce.” And yes, of course it is better than a divorce. But that is a pretty terrible sentence to say to someone who is hurting. You had a relationship, a future, dreams, plans, excitement, and a chuppah you thought was going to happen. Then, suddenly, it didn’t. And on top of the sadness and heartbreak, there can be embarrassment, disappointment, and even shame. You may find yourself wondering what you missed or what you did wrong.

The truth is that when we date, we can only do our very best. We can show up as our most authentic selves. We can be enthusiastic, honest, vulnerable, open, and willing to commit. We can invest our whole hearts into getting to know another person and allow ourselves to dream. And you did that. You showed up. You trusted. You allowed yourself to be happy. There is nothing shameful about that. In fact, there is something incredibly courageous about being willing to open your heart to another person.

And then comes the part that is not entirely in our control. Dating requires a tremendous amount of emunah. We can do everything right and still not know what will happen next. We have to hope that we will have the mazel and beracha for things to unfold smoothly, not only through the wedding, but far beyond it. Your job was not to guarantee the outcome. Your job was to bring your best self to the process. Now your job is to grieve, to breathe, to give yourself time to feel the pain, and eventually to allow yourself to feel renewed. And when you are ready, you get back out there. Not because what happened didn’t matter, but because it did. It mattered enough to teach you, strengthen you, and bring you one step closer to the person who is truly meant for you.

Because you deserve to marry someone who is absolutely certain about you. Someone who chooses you wholeheartedly. Someone who loves you, wants you, and is excited to build a life with you. Not someone who is filled with doubts, unsure of his decision, or moving forward simply because he is afraid to stop. You don’t need someone who has to convince himself to marry you. So let yourself heal. There is no shame in having loved, hoped, and believed. Sometimes the hardest endings are making room for the beginning that was meant for you all along.