יום שבת, י״ט תמוז תשפ״וSaturday, July 4, 2026
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Dating endlessly after you have answered all your questions about said compatibility is a lesson in futility.
I read in a magazine that the secret to marital harmony is having separate bathrooms. All my woman stuff that littered the medicine cabinet and sink counter– you know, the tubes and creams and make-up – well, they grated on his nerves.
When difficult material is brought to the surface without adequate support, coping tools, or a sense of closure, individuals may leave therapy feeling overwhelmed, emotionally vulnerable, or stuck in painful feelings that seem more intense than before.
One of the hardest parts of dating is that people rarely arrive at the same place at the same time.
It’s important to remember that success should not come at the cost of your mental and emotional well-being. When stress becomes so overwhelming that it affects your sleep, happiness, and daily life, it’s a sign that something needs to change.
You need to let your friends and family know that you are ready to date so that they can peripherally assist you as well. You need to keep this circle tight and small.
How can I communicate more effectively with someone who often gets defensive or seems focused mainly on himself?
When a guy doesn’t pick up a girl for a date, it steals some of that thoughtfulness from the date. It diminishes effort and energy. It robs the date of the romance it could have had. That’s a loss to both you and to him.
Unfortunately, many people associate needing an emergency alert device with feeling old, weak, or vulnerable. In reality, the exact opposite is true.
You are not missing anything. Everything has been going smoothly because it can. You don’t need conflict or disagreement. You don’t need an issue to address or a problem to fix.
Her positivity, energy, and incredible enthusiasm shine brightly. She is truly a light for all of us to emulate.
Six months is definitely enough time for a man and a woman to decide if at the very least, they want to commit to one another. It is certainly enough time to see if they are compatible, if their personalities align, if they have the same life goals and values, and if they have chemistry.
It is important to remember that many teenagers experiment with smoking not because they are “bad kids,” but because they are curious, stressed, influenced by peers, or trying to feel more grown up.
You put in time and effort and forged an emotional connection. Unfortunately, he might have been right there alongside you, but he has not arrived at the same place.
For some people, being wrong doesn’t register as a simple, everyday human experience. To them, it feels like a personal exposure. Instead of thinking, “I made a mistake,” their internal reaction is closer to, “This says something bad about me.”
Make eye contact. This feels so simplistic, but I have noticed that in the fast-paced world we live in, we are often looking beyond or around the person we are talking to.
Your brother is not your child. You can be kind, supportive, and welcoming, but you cannot take on the role of parent, therapist, or rescuer.
The beauty of dating is our ability to measure if a connection can be made. So much of this is done through research and information gleaned before we even meet. But the actual date allows us to see if the match made on paper can translate to chemistry and a lasting relationship.
Your concern comes from a place of deep love and responsibility, which is admirable. At the same time, pushing too hard or framing this as “you’re wrong, I’m right” is likely to make your wife dig in further.
It is impossible to romanticize long-term learning without the financial component. The stress of not being able to cover your tuition bill, to make your car payment, or pay your rent, cannot be dismissed.
The first step is for you and your husband to come together in complete alignment. This is his father, and it’s important that any communication comes from a place of unity, not tension between you.
It’s time to assemble a team. Mothers have the unique ability to manage many hats and their absence must often be filled by more than one person. Find the two women in your life who you trust, and who genuinely care about your well-being.
This is very common. Sometimes you are just not in a relationship mode (especially early on) between dates and your brain naturally shifts back to your regular life (routines, work, family, etc.) when you are not with him.
Your children are not describing a small discomfort; they are describing a childhood that felt unsafe and unpredictable. When children grow up around anger and fear, especially when it includes being hit, their nervous systems carry that experience for years.
The incredible part of marrying someone and becoming a new entity, however, is the ability to build on the foundation your parents have given you, but with your own flavor and your own choices.
Very often, when one spouse is so focused on children, on work, on extended relationships, etc., it is not because the marriage is unimportant.
Date her. Find out about her. (Find out about her weight-loss journey.) See if you are suited for one another. See if you connect. And then make a decision with all the information that you have.
You are carrying several heavy emotional burdens at once... When all of that builds up, anger often becomes the emotion that surfaces.
Sure, he is not shorter than you, but you wanted someone taller. One more inch. That doesn’t seem so much to ask for.
Adolescence is when peers begin to take center stage. It’s not a rejection of family; it’s a necessary step toward identity formation. The fact that she coordinated with friends isn’t a statement against you, rather, it’s a statement for herself.
At some point, every single boy or girl who has dated longer than a year has heard the dreaded, “Maybe you are too picky.” from someone invested in their shidduch process.
You also need to prepare yourself that you will feel anxious during the date, at least at first, and then tell yourself that you will be ok and will get through it.
Let yourself breathe. It’s OK to mute the engagement/vort/shower/baby chats. Allow yourself to skip an engagement party when it feels like too much.
It is okay for them to see you sad sometimes. However, it is not helpful for them to feel they must take care of you.
A resume allows you to offer clear, concise, and direct information to someone potentially interested in you. It allows you to control the narrative and the information direction that others take when someone suggests your name.
When someone lives with insecurity, they often develop a heightened radar for disrespect. They may feel that if they don’t guard against being diminished, they will disappear.
Allow yourself to feel disappointed that dating has not gone as you had hoped. Forcing positivity and enthusiasm doesn’t work.
Getting drunk on Shabbos is not a mitzvah, not a minhag, and not harmless. While drinking a l’chaim has a place in Jewish life, drinking until one is intoxicated, especially when it interferes with davening, parenting, and basic derech eretz, undermines the very kedusha Shabbos is meant to bring.
I know that when we see potential, when we see beauty and possibilities, we tell ourselves that we can figure this out. We convince ourselves that we need to look beyond the logistics and the minutiae to focus on the bigger picture, and the chance for long-term happiness.
When we have watched one marriage unravel, especially that of our own child, the heart and amygdala become hyper-alert. What once might have registered as background noise now sounds like an alarm.
To your credit, you were not planning for this to happen. But you truly believe that this is something real and right and you have made a commitment to each other.
Your husband’s parenting style is not just about kindness; it is about fear. He is afraid that if he sets limits, he will lose his children’s love.
There are inequitable and unfair judgments made by those with sons in the dating world. For reasons never fully understood, boys have an advantage in dating.
Your parents were once the center of your world; however, now your husband is meant to become that center. This does not take your parents out of the picture. Having kibud av v’em (respect for your mother and father) is still very important, but your tafkid (job) is now to honor your husband.
I know you are coming from a good place. I know that you just want what your friends got. It’s not your fault that you live in an Instagram world filled with photo ops instead of memories. And I want you to have a special proposal. I really do. Just not the one you are picturing.
Help your daughter understand that this girl is not better than her; rather, she likely has low self-esteem and needs to hurt others to feel better.
You know that part of forging an authentic connection is sharing, but you are scared. Because, of course, it’s scary to share.
It is important to understand that your compliments and reminders of all of your blessings will not cure your wife’s insecurities or comparisons. This is because insecurity is an internal struggle.
He is not changing. This is who he has been for a long time, and will likely be for the foreseeable future. Of course, we are all capable of growth, but he is who he is, and that will not be different in three weeks or three months.
Choosing to judge others favorably and to refrain from unnecessary conflict is not weakness; rather it is an avodah and reflects real inner work. In a world that rewards sharp words and quick comebacks, self-control requires strength.
You have been given a gift. You met a girl who seems perfect for you. You like everything about her and are considering an engagement. Your friend didn’t want to marry her. This is an even greater gift! She was clearly meant for you and not for him, and that was clear to him and we hope now to you as well.
Your children are not saying, “Don’t be happy.” They are saying, “Please don’t forget.” It is important to name their fear out loud and remind them often that no one will ever replace their father.
Sometimes a person who does not have the emotional maturity and mentchlichkeit we expect of them will deflect and redirect so that they don’t need to be honest and transparent.
Hashem has someone amazing for you. Someone who will appreciate your warmth, middos, and stability. A true home is built on mutual respect, Torah, and shared values.
Even if the guy you are hoping for is so outdoorsy he fillets his own fish at restaurants, he is still going to be affected by your appearance.
As parents, your first responsibility is to create emotional safety for your children. This may mean limiting visits to environments that are consistently stressful or damaging.
Green flags do not offer the same shock value as their red counterparts, but they are even more important.
We are a young couple with several children, and I come from a warm, loving home. My husband’s parents are divorced, and at times I see similarities between him and his father that worry me.
After three weeks, you should be sure that you are able to communicate well and have shared values and goals. You should have formed some level of connection and have an appreciation for their character and personality.
The good news is that while we cannot remove technology from our homes entirely, we can create a healthier and more boundaried relationship with it.
Do you also notice those flaws? Do they bother you? If they do, why don’t you take steps to change them?
If someone grew up feeling inadequate, unseen, or unworthy of love, it can be difficult to internalize love and appreciation later in life.
For an introvert, dating can be painful, as they struggle to overcome their innate reserved personalities.
There are mothers who are looking for a son-in-law who will compensate for all the things their own husbands are missing. They approach the shidduch scene hoping for a do over of their own marriages and live vicariously through their children.
While self-confidence is key, the ability to be humble is vital.
In life we all should focus on what we do have instead of what we don’t have. We should focus on our brachos.
It is not wrong for you to look for a guy who has a solid plan for the future. It is not wrong for you to look for someone who cares deeply about doing whatever it takes to provide for his family. It is not wrong for you to look for a person who is emotionally stable and diligent. Unfortunately, we cannot predict the future.
In my own practice I also see grandparents who were very strict with their own children but undermine their children when they discipline their grandchildren (who are their children’s children). Perhaps these grandparents have mellowed, but they are inappropriate to undermine their children’s parenting techniques.
You are certainly in command of your own decisions. And dating is hard. And exhausting. Unfortunately, you are absolutely being short-sighted and overly selective.
Use this as an opportunity to widen your circle. Share meals with new people, attend community events, and visit new places. This will allow you to meet people who are not in your direct social circle who may have new dating possibilities for you.
I appreciate your willingness to put in the work. You are happy to do the “right thing.” You just don’t know what that is anymore.
Yes, there are those who have unrealistic expectations and standards, both men and women alike. It is important to be able to compromise and never settle. But that is a whole other topic.
As members of Klal Yisrael, I would hope that we would all offer empathy and compassion. Telling someone NOT to feel is not our way. Discouraging someone from feeling sad or mad or hurt doesn’t work. It doesn’t erase feelings.
In some situations, divorce is the best solution; however, there are too many divorces due to interfering in-laws, immaturity in the couple, and other factors that can be remedied. I believe that many of the marriages that end in divorce can be saved.
First, you need to believe in the system. You need to have faith in your parents and their research. You need to have confidence in their understanding of you and your wants and needs.
Our shidduch crisis is challenging. This column is my effort to make a dent in the crisis.
We don’t have to establish that you love your sister and you want to see her happy. We take this as fact. Regardless, the sadness, shame, and anger for feeling this way are eating at you.
I do understand and empathize with singles who do not wish to go out unless they think that the suggestion makes sense as it is extremely frustrating to meet somebody that is totally incompatible at all right from the outset of the first date.
No couple has a completely seamless dating experience. None. Sure, some daters go through this process with ease and some struggle, but regardless, there is no perfect dating journey.
A guy who immediately suggests that you change in order to meet their approval is not someone you can keep in your life.
It is important to understand why some children struggle with stealing and lying so you can handle these situations appropriately and help your son navigate what he may be feeling.
A toxic friend will not be happy for you when something good happens to you or when you get something new. Someone who truly loves you will celebrate your happiness. Toxic friends do not.
The goal of dating is to get to know someone better, to build a relationship, to get engaged, and to iy”H get married. This should mostly be an insular experience between two people. Yet, we live in a world that loves to share and impress.
We must all prioritize our time and be sensitive to others. During the time that we are working on ahavas chinam, let us all try to work harder on not ignoring others when we are with them and really being present, without the distraction of a phone.
You had this upcoming year planned, and part of that included dating. Now you worry that this might not be the correct decision. Should time be factored into your hope to date and if so when would it be right?
If we really are living in the times of Mashiach, how can we think Mashiach can possibly come when even Orthodox Jews do not treat each other well?
In some way every student comes home a bit changed – hopefully improved, and ready to tackle a new and exciting time in life. Sometimes that change is more significant, more obvious to our family and friends – perhaps in the way we dress, speak, or in a newfound commitment to Torah study.
It takes a certain sensitivity to do marital therapy. The therapist should try to put themselves in the client’s shoes and try to be careful not to open up issues that the couple will have to live with later and not have the tools to deal with.
You see your date’s internal beauty and you are not bothered by a lack of the typical commercial good looks we are taught to value. But you worry that you will be influenced by the subtle judgment you expect from those that know you.
Even though my parents tried so hard to be amazing parent, my sister just understood me better.
Strengthen your relationship with Hashem. Daven, connect, and bolster your emunah. Ask Hashem for what you want, ask for the strength and the wisdom to recognize what is right for you, and make sure your connection is real and sure.
Of all the things that we can give our children, self-esteem is the most important.
You don’t need a girl who see you and sees short. You need a girl who sees you and understands that you are everything she ever hoped for.
Being a people-pleaser is not necessarily a bad thing, but it becomes difficult when you feel you have to avoid conflict at all costs.
Women are generally more sensitive and astute and the fact that you seem happier and more vibrant may be upsetting to your daughters. Perhaps, they were Daddy's girls, so this is hard for them to see.
In the beginning, perhaps you appreciated the input and research your parents offered, but now things have changed. You are less reliant on their suggestions and opinions and trust yourself to make good dating choices.
Maybe it was true! Maybe they only loved me because of all the joy that I give them. Maybe they don't really love me for myself!
While marriage is holy and beautiful, it is also a huge responsibility. It is a parents’ duty to make sure that their child is physically, emotionally, and mentally prepared for this lifetime commitment.
It is best to make lifestyle changes and seek guidance from health care practitioners on how to deal with the weight issues in your life and your family's life.
I’m sure you are a wonderful guy, and clearly, you are not to blame for the uneven balance of our dating system where girls seem to be the underdogs. You want to date right, but there is a limit on the excitement you can conjure when every date feels so similar.
July 3, 2026 
