Dear Dating Coach,
Almost all of my friends are married or engaged. Many of them already have children. I feel like the “last one standing” while everyone around me moves ahead. It’s not a good feeling. I don’t want to be jealous, and I am happy for all of them; I’m just really sad for myself and I’m not sure how to not feel this way. Any tips you can give me to get myself out of this pity party would be really appreciated.
Dater Delayed
Dear Dater,
It’s not easy when our timeline feels slower than those around us. We start to question ourselves and our choices. We play “compare and contrast” so that we feel “less than.” We want to stop, but we don’t know how.
Timing = Self-Worth
Don’t allow yourself to attach your worth to how quickly your dating timeline plays out. You tell yourself, “She got engaged. She is ahead of me. I am behind her. Something is wrong with me.” Getting engaged is not a promotion or a ranking system. Two people can be equally special, and one might take a while to find her match. Finding your bashert quickly does not make you better.
Flip the Script
Instead of immediately leaning toward self-pity, “Why not me?” or “What am I missing that she has?” Try instead to focus on your faith and your own story. “This is her journey, and I am on my journey.” You are not distorting the facts; you are only reminding yourself that there is more to this process than you understand. Hashem has a plan for all of us, and every plan is completely and totally tailored and individualized.
Ex the Exposure
Let yourself breathe. It’s OK to mute the engagement/vort/shower/baby chats. Allow yourself to skip an engagement party when it feels like too much. Don’t spend time scrolling through pictures of their proposals/vorts/weddings/new apartments on Instagram. Screen and limit your exposure to lives that have no bearing on your own, and you will feel some of that comparison weight lift. This does not make you bitter. It makes you smart.
Expansion vs. Shortage
Comparison loves to focus on scarcity. “There are only so many good boys.” Or “You have fewer opportunities now.” Your right match is not a limited offer. There are not only so many eggs in one basket. Your bashert is always yours.
Feel Your Feelings
Finally, allow yourself to feel. You are a human being. If you feel sad at your friend’s engagement party, that doesn’t make you a bad friend. It makes you human. You can feel happy for your friend and sad for yourself all at once. Both emotions can be true simultaneously. Remember, you are usually only privy to the positive, Instagram-worthy, curated simchas of your friends. They are often attached to doubt, sleepless nights, and pressure. Focus inward, on your self-growth, on your emunah, and on your perfectly timed path toward your zivug.