Categories: In Print / Marriage and Relationships
Duck Tales
Dear Dating Coach,
I am a 29-year-old (great) guy and I believe I have a lot to offer. Although most of my friends are married (many with a kid or two), I still get lots of suggestions from shadchanim and friends. I said ‘no’ to the last three suggestions unwilling to compromise my standards. The first woman has been suggested to me many times but I have been told that there are mental health issues in her family (not her). The second woman didn’t sound like my type (too quiet) and the third was married for a very short period and divorced. Now I am getting some flack for saying no from my family but at this point in my life I just don’t want to waste anyone’s time. I know what I need and want and I don’t have the energy or patience to go on dates that lead absolutely nowhere because I already know that we are not a match based on what I have heard. I am sick of hearing that I am “too selective,” when I am just being smart. Dating is too exhausting and time consuming to meet people that I am sure are not right for me. How is this wrong?
Selective Single
Dear Selective, Going shopping with teenage girls is wonderful. You get to sift through racks and racks of dresses and skirts only for them to be rejected one by one. When you do suggest an option with a careful “What about this one?” you will be rewarded with scorn and pity at your lack of fashion prowess and style. It really is great fun (without you know, the fun part). The whole experience is rewarding and uplifting (if you hate your self-esteem and love mockery). You will find yourself urging your teenager to buy whatever she wants (as you calculate your last season’s outfit choices for Yom Tov in your own closet). When she does find something she likes, you must remain very still so as not to disrupt the moment with too many compliments or too little. You will need to offer just the right amount of compliments (impossible) and hope that she still likes it when she gets home. Shopping with teenage girls is a blast. Truly.If It Walks Like a Duck and Talks Like a Duck….
I appreciate you reaching out. I am sure that you are a great guy and I agree, one must be careful when dating to search for compatibility. You have been frustrated by your family’s lack of understanding about your unwillingness to “waste time.” The choices you have made are yours to make and you feel entitled to set boundaries and guidelines that make sense to you. Your research into the women all highlighted something that didn’t feel right to you. You said “no” because you are already sure that they could not possibly be your match. You are certainly in command of your own decisions. And dating is hard. And exhausting. Unfortunately, you are absolutely being short-sighted and overly selective. There are many singles who do their best to date with clarity and intention. Yet, there are also older singles everywhere who are passionate about “not wasting time.” They refuse to go out with potential matches with arbitrary “flaws” that don’t speak to them. “I have waited this long,” you say, “I don’t want to settle.” Instead of becoming more open to possibilities, you shrink and shirk your mazel with subjective rules that you have created to limit yourself. As you age, the list becomes even more constricting as the suggestions peter out and offer even less. As you become older, smarter, and more mature, you sadly become unrelenting and unwilling to yield to choices that are imperfect. You pigeon-hole yourself with self-righteousness and self-preservation instead of taking the leap of faith you so desperately need. You are hurting yourself. You are limiting yourself. Instead, come from a place of YES. Say yes to options that sound plausible, rather than perfect. Don’t allow rules that no one cares about give you the arrogance to refuse good suggestions. Give yourself the gift of choice. Open your heart to real people and real choices, and you will bask in the glow of possibility and happiness.
