Dear Dr. Yael,
I just hosted Pesach and had the zechus of having our married children, single children, my in-laws, and my parents with us. Baruch Hashem, we have a beautiful marriage and are doing okay financially, and I was even able to have help over Yom Tov, which made everything run smoothly.
I worked very hard to create a warm, meaningful, and beautiful Yom Tov atmosphere for everyone.
However, my father-in-law got drunk and literally ruined the sedarim. Our children were very upset by their Zaidy’s behavior, and my husband is also deeply hurt and upset with his father. Unfortunately, this is not the first time. My father-in-law struggles with alcohol and has disrupted other family gatherings as well.
We really don’t want this to happen again, but we are unsure how to handle it in a respectful and appropriate way.
Please advise.
Sincerely,
A Concerned Daughter-in-Law
Dear Concerned Daughter-in-Law,
What comes through so clearly in your letter is how much heart you invested in your Yom Tov. It is obvious that you wanted to create an experience of warmth, dignity, and connection for your entire family. When something like this happens, it doesn’t just feel frustrating; it feels like something sacred was compromised. Additionally, you note that you are not describing a one-time lapse, rather, you are describing a pattern. When alcohol repeatedly leads to behavior that disrupts family life and affects children, it is no longer something to work around quietly, it becomes something that requires thoughtful, firm boundaries.
The first step is for you and your husband to come together in complete alignment. This is his father, and it’s important that any communication comes from a place of unity, not tension between you. Talk through what you experienced, what was most upsetting, and what you feel your home needs going forward in order to remain emotionally safe and respectful for everyone, especially your children.
Then, your husband should speak to his father ahead of the next gathering. It is important not to wait for a moment of frustration and to speak to his father at a time when he can speak calmly and clearly. It is imperative that your husband work on speaking to his father in a loving and calm tone. This is not about shaming; it is about boundaries, and it is extremely important that your husband is careful not to shame his father or make him feel defensive. Perhaps your husband can say something like, “We love having you with us, and you are important to our family. At the same time, when the drinking leads to behavior that disrupts the Seder and upsets the children, it cannot continue. If you’re going to join us, we need it to be in a way that preserves the atmosphere we are trying to create.” There needs to be a balance of respect and firmness. Your husband may also want to try to get his father help, but he can only do this if his father is willing to get the help he needs.
You may also need to think in practical terms. Sometimes protecting your home means putting structures in place, like, limiting access to alcohol, adjusting the format of the get together, or, if necessary, reconsidering invitations for certain occasions.
A boundary only has meaning if it is upheld. If the behavior repeats itself, there needs to be follow-through. It is important to make sure you uphold the boundary because of consistency, not from anger. A boundary is not a punishment, but it must be upheld in order to show your father-in-law that this behavior won’t be tolerated in your home.
At the same time, it’s appropriate to hold compassion. A person who struggles with alcohol is often dealing with something deeper. But compassion does not mean exposure. You are allowed to care about your father-in-law while still protecting your space and your children from repeated distress.
What you created this Yom Tov was real and meaningful. That doesn’t disappear because of one person’s behavior. But this experience is asking something of you now. It is now your job to step into a place of quiet leadership, where you define what your home stands for and what it can hold. Hatzlacha with this difficult situation.