יום ראשון, ו׳ תמוז תשפ״וSunday, June 21, 2026
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Dr. Yael Respler is a psychotherapist in private practice who provides marital, dating and family counseling. Dr. Respler also deals with problems relating to marital intimacy. Letters may be emailed to deardryael@aol.com. To schedule an appointment, please call 917-751-4887. Dr. Orit Respler-Herman, a child psychologist, co-authors this column and is now in private practice providing complete pychological evaluations as well as child and adolescent therapy. She can be reached at 917-679-1612. Previous columns can be viewed at www.jewishpress.com and archives of Dr. Respler’s radio shows can be found at www.dryaelrespler.com.
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It’s important to remember that success should not come at the cost of your mental and emotional well-being. When stress becomes so overwhelming that it affects your sleep, happiness, and daily life, it’s a sign that something needs to change.
How can I communicate more effectively with someone who often gets defensive or seems focused mainly on himself?
Unfortunately, many people associate needing an emergency alert device with feeling old, weak, or vulnerable. In reality, the exact opposite is true.
Her positivity, energy, and incredible enthusiasm shine brightly. She is truly a light for all of us to emulate.
It is important to remember that many teenagers experiment with smoking not because they are “bad kids,” but because they are curious, stressed, influenced by peers, or trying to feel more grown up.
For some people, being wrong doesn’t register as a simple, everyday human experience. To them, it feels like a personal exposure. Instead of thinking, “I made a mistake,” their internal reaction is closer to, “This says something bad about me.”
Your brother is not your child. You can be kind, supportive, and welcoming, but you cannot take on the role of parent, therapist, or rescuer.
Your concern comes from a place of deep love and responsibility, which is admirable. At the same time, pushing too hard or framing this as “you’re wrong, I’m right” is likely to make your wife dig in further.
The first step is for you and your husband to come together in complete alignment. This is his father, and it’s important that any communication comes from a place of unity, not tension between you.
Your children are not describing a small discomfort; they are describing a childhood that felt unsafe and unpredictable. When children grow up around anger and fear, especially when it includes being hit, their nervous systems carry that experience for years.
Very often, when one spouse is so focused on children, on work, on extended relationships, etc., it is not because the marriage is unimportant.
You are carrying several heavy emotional burdens at once... When all of that builds up, anger often becomes the emotion that surfaces.
Adolescence is when peers begin to take center stage. It’s not a rejection of family; it’s a necessary step toward identity formation. The fact that she coordinated with friends isn’t a statement against you, rather, it’s a statement for herself.
You also need to prepare yourself that you will feel anxious during the date, at least at first, and then tell yourself that you will be ok and will get through it.
It is okay for them to see you sad sometimes. However, it is not helpful for them to feel they must take care of you.
When someone lives with insecurity, they often develop a heightened radar for disrespect. They may feel that if they don’t guard against being diminished, they will disappear.
Getting drunk on Shabbos is not a mitzvah, not a minhag, and not harmless. While drinking a l’chaim has a place in Jewish life, drinking until one is intoxicated, especially when it interferes with davening, parenting, and basic derech eretz, undermines the very kedusha Shabbos is meant to bring.
When we have watched one marriage unravel, especially that of our own child, the heart and amygdala become hyper-alert. What once might have registered as background noise now sounds like an alarm.
Your husband’s parenting style is not just about kindness; it is about fear. He is afraid that if he sets limits, he will lose his children’s love.
Your parents were once the center of your world; however, now your husband is meant to become that center. This does not take your parents out of the picture. Having kibud av v’em (respect for your mother and father) is still very important, but your tafkid (job) is now to honor your husband.
Help your daughter understand that this girl is not better than her; rather, she likely has low self-esteem and needs to hurt others to feel better.
It is important to understand that your compliments and reminders of all of your blessings will not cure your wife’s insecurities or comparisons. This is because insecurity is an internal struggle.
Choosing to judge others favorably and to refrain from unnecessary conflict is not weakness; rather it is an avodah and reflects real inner work. In a world that rewards sharp words and quick comebacks, self-control requires strength.
Your children are not saying, “Don’t be happy.” They are saying, “Please don’t forget.” It is important to name their fear out loud and remind them often that no one will ever replace their father.
Hashem has someone amazing for you. Someone who will appreciate your warmth, middos, and stability. A true home is built on mutual respect, Torah, and shared values.
As parents, your first responsibility is to create emotional safety for your children. This may mean limiting visits to environments that are consistently stressful or damaging.
We are a young couple with several children, and I come from a warm, loving home. My husband’s parents are divorced, and at times I see similarities between him and his father that worry me.
The good news is that while we cannot remove technology from our homes entirely, we can create a healthier and more boundaried relationship with it.
If someone grew up feeling inadequate, unseen, or unworthy of love, it can be difficult to internalize love and appreciation later in life.
There are mothers who are looking for a son-in-law who will compensate for all the things their own husbands are missing. They approach the shidduch scene hoping for a do over of their own marriages and live vicariously through their children.
In life we all should focus on what we do have instead of what we don’t have. We should focus on our brachos.
In my own practice I also see grandparents who were very strict with their own children but undermine their children when they discipline their grandchildren (who are their children’s children). Perhaps these grandparents have mellowed, but they are inappropriate to undermine their children’s parenting techniques.
Yes, there are those who have unrealistic expectations and standards, both men and women alike. It is important to be able to compromise and never settle. But that is a whole other topic.
In some situations, divorce is the best solution; however, there are too many divorces due to interfering in-laws, immaturity in the couple, and other factors that can be remedied. I believe that many of the marriages that end in divorce can be saved.
Our shidduch crisis is challenging. This column is my effort to make a dent in the crisis.
I do understand and empathize with singles who do not wish to go out unless they think that the suggestion makes sense as it is extremely frustrating to meet somebody that is totally incompatible at all right from the outset of the first date.
It is important to understand why some children struggle with stealing and lying so you can handle these situations appropriately and help your son navigate what he may be feeling.
A toxic friend will not be happy for you when something good happens to you or when you get something new. Someone who truly loves you will celebrate your happiness. Toxic friends do not.
We must all prioritize our time and be sensitive to others. During the time that we are working on ahavas chinam, let us all try to work harder on not ignoring others when we are with them and really being present, without the distraction of a phone.
If we really are living in the times of Mashiach, how can we think Mashiach can possibly come when even Orthodox Jews do not treat each other well?
It takes a certain sensitivity to do marital therapy. The therapist should try to put themselves in the client’s shoes and try to be careful not to open up issues that the couple will have to live with later and not have the tools to deal with.
Even though my parents tried so hard to be amazing parent, my sister just understood me better.
Of all the things that we can give our children, self-esteem is the most important.
Being a people-pleaser is not necessarily a bad thing, but it becomes difficult when you feel you have to avoid conflict at all costs.
Women are generally more sensitive and astute and the fact that you seem happier and more vibrant may be upsetting to your daughters. Perhaps, they were Daddy's girls, so this is hard for them to see.
Maybe it was true! Maybe they only loved me because of all the joy that I give them. Maybe they don't really love me for myself!
It is best to make lifestyle changes and seek guidance from health care practitioners on how to deal with the weight issues in your life and your family's life.
If earworms are causing you significant distress it is important to seek professional help. This could be a sign of underlying anxiety or Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD).
If you want happiness for an hour, take a nap. If you want happiness for a day, go fishing, if you want happiness for a year, inherit a fortune, if you want happiness for a lifetime, help somebody.
Keeping a journal has also been found to be helpful in remediating homesickness. When writing, it’s important that your daughter focus on the positive and all of the fun that she is experiencing.
Prioritizing other people‘s needs can lead to burn out and neglecting your own emotional and physical well-being.
Dedicating small mitzvos you do in your father’s memory can also be helpful. It doesn't have to be large things. Every mitzvah can be something special for your father.
Some people may think it is cruel to not marry a boy because of their family background, but be forewarned: even if he is remorseful about the way he treats his mother, he will most certainly repeat it with you.
You are likely having anxious thoughts. These thoughts are probably swimming around your mind all day and are exacerbating your anxious feelings. Once you identify your anxious thoughts, you will need to reframe them and create more logical, non-anxious thoughts, which you will use to start getting your anxiety under control.
It is crucial that the couple should not leave the session in a state of anger. Instead, it is best to focus on positive things in the marriage and work on the deeper, more problematic issues separately.
It is very hard to help someone who hoards. People who hoard may not realize that their behavior is potentially unhealthy or dangerous or they may know but feel uncomfortable speaking about it with others.
Of course organization and being prepared will lower your anxiety, but what is just as important is teaching your brain that Pesach cleaning does not have to be anxiety provoking.
I am not sure what your financial situation is, but it may be a good idea to get some professional help to aid your wife in her situation.
This article is written leilui nishmas Sarah Shaindel bas Yitzchask Shraga HaLevi.
It would also be prudent to limit the information you share with your parents. This will help you limit the opinions you get. This may be hard if you are used to sharing everything with your mothers and if you are close with them.
Share your own experiences with overcoming challenges to show vulnerability and resilience.
While it may appear to these people that by getting their way they are winning the battle, they are, in fact, losing the war. In other words when people behave this way, they may temporarily get their way, but ultimately, they can lose the relationship.
We all have to make this choice. We can wallow in self-pity or we can do whatever we can to deal with our challenges.
Please don’t feel that this situation is hopeless. You appear to have the appropriate attitude to life.
As a grandparent, it is definitely a huge gift to give your children time to get away; however, you also have to know your limits.
Driving in the tri-state area can be very difficult. There is a lot of traffic and impatient drivers. I think for all of us who drive, we feel the constant frustration in dealing with so much craziness on the road.
The truth is that we can’t improve the situation without working on ourselves. Every person only has the power to change themselves.
The dynamic of talking in shul during prayer or the reading of the Torah, when all is said and done is, with regard to many congregants, a conscious willingness to pervert the fundamental spiritual decorum.
It seems like Hashem gave you important things in life that money can’t buy. He gave you a special husband and a good family. These brachos are invaluable. Money does not buy happiness.
First try to figure out what is making your husband angry. He may have an issue with anger in general, but perhaps you can isolate the trigger points.
The most important thing is to keep reminding yourself that you are okay and safe to try to not encode this experience in a traumatic way.
You cannot blame your parents who probably suffer silently with the same situation. Please speak to your mechanechet who probably is not aware of your situation. Perhaps she can set up some kind of activity (even a chesed activity) that will foster friendships.
They found that sharing similar personality traits does not necessarily mean that a relationship will be more satisfying; however, perceiving that you are more similar will usually predict more satisfaction in a relationship.
Try hard not to overwhelm your kids when you talk to them or make them feel bad about their behavior.
Everyone is put in this world to fulfill a mission. We do not know what anyone’s mission is, and we must try to see everyone as a creation of Hashem and to treat everyone with the respect they deserve.
It is hard to break negative cycles in life. However, you chose to break the negative cycle by working to support your family and loving your wife and children, so that your children are able to grow up in an emotionally healthy home.
While I can give you tips on how to do this, it appears that you already have created a good, loving, and fun life where you give to others and you have close relationships.
The fact that you realize this need is exacerbated due to your struggle with self-esteem is helpful.
Baruch Hashem you have a devoted husband, caring children and grandchildren. Although it is challenging to depend on others, you must be grateful that you are not alone and there are others around who care about you.
Do you and your husband have any common interests? Maybe you can come up with some activities you both enjoy to do together without phones. Does your husband have any of his own hobbies or interests? Maybe you can encourage your husband to try hobbies that do not involve screens, like sports.
Don’t say things to yourself that you would not say to a good friend. Be understanding, gentle, accepting, and loving to yourself as you would with someone else that you care about.
Meira in Hebrew means giving light and our beautiful Meira was a light so bright, who during her young life, managed to chase away the darkness of her challenges to inspire her family, friends and community.
It is OK to mention my child to me. In fact, as I wrote above, it comforts me.
The first thing I would recommend is for you and your husband to make some extra time for your marriage. Going out together, without any children, does wonders for that dimming spark, as you and your husband will be able to just enjoy each other without all of the distractions of daily life.
I know that people really mean well. So next time you pay a shiva call, think before you go - How can I make the person and or people sitting shiva feel more comfortable?
Relationships are complicated. Children react differently to their parents. Unfortunately in many situations that I work with, the in-law children sometimes influence their spouses to have less derech eretz for their parents.
Unfortunately, often parents can raise many children while many children cannot always care for their parents properly. It is so important that those who are suffering have a support group to turn to to help them through this difficult time period.
I know that we have little control in our life other than how we will handle the challenges that Hashem gives us. We can only work on ourselves.
Perhaps you can ask directly for more help from your other siblings. Share with them how much you would appreciate their direct help as your one sister does.
Every situation is different. Also, it is important to try to remember that your children may still love you, even if they don’t come for the holidays. Perhaps they have more difficult children or really need more space for whatever reason.
I tell you this story as a way of giving you chizuk to do what is not simple.
You will ultimately work less hard if your children and grandchildren are involved. Complimenting them for helping you will also build their self-esteem. Additionally, they will learn how to deal more effectively with their own children if you delegate tasks to your children and demonstrate appreciation.
For those of you who are dating, I ask you to try not to marry someone with the hope of changing them. A healthy marriage can help someone grow emotionally, spiritually and bolster someone’s self-esteem.
I applaud your attitude as you seem to appreciate all the brachos that Hashem gave you as well as treasure all the good years in your marriage. We can all learn from your positive attitude in life.
I do not know what kind of childhood your husband had, however, if you want to make this marriage work, you must try to focus on his positive qualities instead of his negative issues. I know this is easier said than done.
Covert narcissists are insecure, they can be passive aggressive and hypersensitive to criticism, but they have no problem being critical in a passive way.
Set realistic goals for what needs to be accomplished. It is important to focus on the most important areas such as the kitchen, dining area, and other places that chametz is generally found.
I want you to know that you are not alone in this dilemma and drinking has made Purim a challenging Yom Tov for many women. I am not a Rav but I know there are men who do not drink on Purim and keep all the other mitzvos.
Understanding the cause of why your mother-in-law behaved this way may help you come to terms with it more. Underneath this venom lies a negative person who probably had a very dysfunctional childhood.
In your situation, you sound like a person who wants to do chesed but you are stuck in a situation where you are dealing with a very complicated, needy person.
