Dear Dr. Yael,
I am married to a wonderful woman who devotes an enormous amount of time and care to our children. Baruch Hashem, we have a large family, and my wife makes it a point to spend about half an hour speaking with each child before bedtime, including our teenagers. It’s clear how deeply she is loved and admired by everyone.
In addition, she is a successful businesswoman with her own thriving work, and she maintains close, meaningful relationships with her siblings, parents, and many friends.
While I truly admire all that she does, I sometimes feel that I get lost in the shuffle. I miss having dedicated time for just the two of us, and I feel that our relationship could use more attention as well.
How can I approach this in a way that helps her understand my feelings, without making her feel criticized or overwhelmed?
A Reader
Dear Reader,
What a beautiful picture you paint of your wife. The love, the devotion, and the presence she gives to each of your children is amazing. This is not something to take for granted. You are clearly married to a woman with a very big heart, and the fact that you see and appreciate that says a great deal about you as well. However, it makes sense that you also want her time and attention. It is not selfish to want to feel seen by your wife. It is not unreasonable to want a piece of her time that is reserved just for you. In fact, a strong marriage is not a luxury in a family like yours, rather, it is the foundation that holds everything else steady.
Very often, when one spouse is so focused on children, on work, on extended relationships, etc., it is not because the marriage is unimportant. Your wife likely feels that your marriage is secure and that you are her steady place. Perhaps your wife feels that you will understand and “be okay.” But all trees need to be watered, even the steadiest ones. Your marriage needs attention even if your wife does not necessarily think so (or maybe she does think it needs attention, but doesn’t realize she isn’t giving it the attention it needs).
The challenge here is not to “help your wife see what she is doing wrong.” That approach will likely leave her feeling criticized and overwhelmed. Instead, your task is to gently allow yourself to be seen. Try speaking from vulnerability, not from complaint. Perhaps you can say something like: “I admire you so much. I see how much you give to everyone, and it’s incredible. I’ve realized, though, that I miss you. I miss having time where it’s just us.” There is no accusation in those words, only longing, and longing, when expressed softly, has a way of opening hearts.
At the same time, do not wait for her to create the space on her own. Sometimes the spouse who feels the lack must take the first step in building the bridge. Suggest something small, realistic, and consistent. Not a grand plan that will never happen, but a rhythm that can become part of your lives.
A marriage does not need hours and hours to stay strong. It needs moments of genuine connection, protected and valued. You are not asking to take away from your children. You are asking to strengthen the relationship that gives them their sense of security in the first place. There is definitely room for you in your wife’s world. The question is how you invite yourself back into it. You will get much farther with warmth, respect, and honesty.
Wishing you much hatzlacha as you take that step towards reconnecting with your wife. Remember to approach her in a way where she doesn’t become defensive and to try to plan some time where you two can connect more often.