Dear Dr. Yael,
I am a young man who finds dating very challenging. I am currently learning in kollel and, baruch Hashem, I get along well with my friends and my chavrusas. By nature, I am quiet and more reserved.
Although I am still young, many of my friends are already getting engaged and married, and I feel myself falling behind. I struggle with social anxiety, especially in dating situations. I know that the boys are generally expected to lead the date, guide the conversation, and create the flow, but that feels very difficult for me. I often become nervous, unsure of what to say, and worried that I am not coming across well.
I would really appreciate any advice or practical strategies you can offer to help me manage my social anxiety and feel more confident while dating.
Thank you,
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
I am very moved by your letter. There is something so sincere and refined about the way you describe yourself, learning in kollel, close with your chavrusas, quiet by nature. These are not small things, rather they are foundations of depth. And yet, when it comes to dating, you feel small.
Let’s sit with that and try to figure out what is going on here. The most important thing to know is that nothing is wrong with you. You are not behind and you are not defective. You are not “less marriageable” because you are quiet. In fact, many sensitive, thoughtful young men experience dating as overwhelming precisely because they take it seriously.
Social anxiety is not a character flaw. It is your nervous system trying to protect you from perceived rejection. When you sit across from a young woman and feel your mind go blank or your heart race, your body is reacting as though you are in danger. But it is important to tell yourself you are not in danger. Even though your body is telling you that you are in danger in social situations, really what is happening is that you are being seen by someone else, and being seen feels vulnerable and scary.
You wrote that “the boys are supposed to lead.” I want to gently challenge the pressure you are placing on yourself. Leading does not mean performing. It does not mean being witty, charismatic, or carrying the entire evening. Leading can simply mean that you start the conversation. You can say something like, “I’m glad we chose this place. Would you like to sit over here?” And during conversations you can say, “That sounds interesting, can you tell me more?” Leadership in dating is a calm direction, not entertainment. It may be helpful to try the following. Before a date, prepare three areas you feel comfortable discussing, perhaps your yeshiva experience, something meaningful you’ve learned recently, a nice family Shabbos memory, or something funny that happened in camp. Think of two questions for each area.
This type of preparation will help because structure lowers anxiety. You also need to prepare yourself that you will feel anxious during the date, at least at first, and then tell yourself that you will be ok and will get through it. When you feel the anxiety rising during the date, do not fight it. Try instead to quietly slow your breathing by inhaling gently and exhaling longer than you inhale. Remind yourself: “This is uncomfortable, not dangerous.” It is also imperative to know that anxiety peaks and then falls, so if you don’t panic about the anxiety itself, it will pass.
Another important point is that silence is not failure. A secure person can tolerate a few quiet seconds. You can smile. You can take a sip of water. You can say, “Wow that’s great (or whatever adjective matches),” while you give yourself time to relax and think. This is not weakness, it is steadiness.
You also mentioned that your friends are getting engaged. Comparison is very painful in this stage of life, but marriage is not a race. Your avodah (job) is not speed, it is authenticity and finding someone you can be happy with for the rest of your life, im yirtzeh Hashem. The right young woman for you will not be looking for the loudest boy in the room, rather, she will be looking for safety, stability, depth, kindness, and Yiras Shamayim. Quiet can feel like a liability when you are 22, but it often becomes a gift at 32.
If your anxiety feels intense or paralyzing, I would strongly encourage speaking with a therapist, particularly someone familiar with the frum dating world. Cognitive behavioral tools can be extremely effective for social anxiety, and there is no shame in seeking support. On the contrary, it shows strength.
I would like you to try one small exercise after your next date. Instead of replaying what you think you did wrong, write down three things that went well. Even small things like, “I asked a thoughtful question.” “I maintained eye contact.” “I stayed even though I felt anxious.” Train your mind to notice competence and you being successful instead of critical! You can rewire your brain to be more to yourself, and this will lower your anxiety as well. Hatzlacha in finding the right woman to marry and please seek help if these ideas are not enough to help you lower your anxiety.