יום רביעי, ה׳ תשרי תשפ״זWednesday, September 16, 2026
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Dr. Yael Respler is a psychotherapist in private practice who provides marital, dating and family counseling. Dr. Respler also deals with problems relating to marital intimacy. Letters may be emailed to deardryael@aol.com. To schedule an appointment, please call 917-751-4887. Dr. Orit Respler-Herman, a child psychologist, co-authors this column and is now in private practice providing complete pychological evaluations as well as child and adolescent therapy. She can be reached at 917-679-1612. Previous columns can be viewed at www.jewishpress.com and archives of Dr. Respler’s radio shows can be found at www.dryaelrespler.com.
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I believe that in therapy if both husband and wife work on their individual issues, and then show positive loving feelings to one another, the marriage can improve dramatically.
Please Dr. Respler give me ideas on how to parent my grown children properly.
Networking is also a very good medium. We let the word out when we were initially looking to adopt; we told many people. She should let the word out to people she knows outside of her state.
I was shocked to read that R.N. refers to the young men as boys. If they are boys, then maybe the mothers are right to have reservation with the suggestion of the shadchan.
My mother thinks of herself as a superior person, has very little feelings for other people, and probably suffers from a deep lack of self-esteem.
Please do not behave passive-aggressively with the shadchan by continuously avoiding the shadchan's call, in regards to your response after a date.
If it is your mehalech to drink wine (as per your Rav), then please make sure to be in a safe place and conduct yourself with dignity.
All who have gone through this know the look. My mom then told me to lie about the years of my marriage and say two years, so that maybe their faces would not give you that look of “Oy, so sad.”
Clearly if he feels rejected, he may be using the passive aggressive jokes as a way of expressing his feelings.
Of course we are all human and can make mistakes, which can be hurtful, but we still need to all work on thinking before speaking.
If we choose a path in which we try to bridge gaps by having a positive attitude and engaging in humor and happiness as well as blessing others, we ultimately will find pleasure in life.
You mention that your husband was raised with these same painful jokes. Perhaps he was raised in a family where you were not allowed to discuss feelings, so he found a way to express his anger and frustration passively.
I work with many people who tell me painful things that people say to them. Often, these people are simply not thinking before they speak (most people don't mean to hurt others).
Please don't make a huge issue out of this situation. As in all situations, the only person we can change is ourselves.
Covid, which generally causes all of us anxiety, has definitely exacerbated it in individuals who suffer from anxiety disorders.
If you hear yourself saying that you’ll probably be unhappy in your marriage soon, or that you’re probably really not happy now, you need to stop yourself and change that narrative.
My question is do all our needs have to be fulfilled by our spouse? Maybe some of your needs can be met by siblings, good friends, or close cousins.
You must make sure your child is safe and try to put him back to bed, but do not awaken him or try to calm him, since he is probably sleeping.
Perhaps you really want to be frum, but it is hard for you right now because you don’t feel it as much as you want to, or as much as you feel that you have to.
My friend found out that one of my son’s rebbeim, who was close to him, insinuated that although he was a great boy with great middos, he was an average learner and would never amount to anything in the world of Torah.
It appears that you are afraid of your own child. However, by doing nothing, you are hurting your son's ability to merit Olam HaBa.
Right now you are going through a very difficult time-period and you are in a lot of pain, but in order to crawl out of this sadness it is important to focus on all of the good things you have in life, no matter how small they seem.
If you think that your daughter has some social anxiety or some difficulties socially, it may be prudent to get her some professional help. Before getting help, see if you can talk to her about what is really going on.
He wants you to reassure her that you care about her, but minimize your exposure to her.
Although there are many men who still crave to enter the world of chinuch, there is sometimes a lack of middos in how the rebbeim are treated and this can filter down to the children.
I know that changing can be a slippery slope and I am afraid of falling. How do I continue to be happy in my marriage while maintaining my inner sense of modesty?
I know of toxic situations where children had to cut off from their parents and this was advice they actually received from a Rav. This is generally not the norm.
It is sad, but true, that many young girls fall in love with abusive boys and convince themselves that out of love these boys, as husbands, will treat them well.
It is very possible that your children do not want to burden you more than necessary, so they wait till the very last minute to come.
It is also imperative that you work hard to keep the spark in your marriage alive and that you always work on communication.
In marriage if you are more loving and giving, generally the cycle of the marriage interactions become completely different.
You somehow need to see this second relationship as another chapter in your life. This does not mean that the loving years that you shared with your first husband should ever be forgotten.
My husband is a total technology junkie. He has every gadget under the sun and Baruch Hashem for Shabbat since it's the only time that we actually eat and talk as a family.
My heart breaks for my grandchild. My children are expecting another baby in a few months and I am so frantic with worry.
Sometimes people feel that if someone accepts them then there is something wrong with that person.
I find it interesting that some people, like you... look at it as a device that gives them more independence to age at home. To others it reminds them of the fact that they’re aging and are vulnerable.
In my opinion, he is reckless and self righteous to think that this is how depression can be cured. Does he begin to understand that over 90% of suicides were with people who were suffering from depression?
Communicating will strengthen your relationship and bring you closer to each other if done correctly. Remember, stay positive, non confrontational, and use “I feel” messages so your husband doesn’t feel blamed at all.
You mentioned reluctance to give up baking because of the connection it has brought to your marriage. Maybe you can channel that passion for food into something that is healthier for both of you.
Your praise should be realistic. Don’t say things that are obviously untrue as children can see through this and it will not feel good to them.
Her feelings of worthlessness and depression likely stem from feeling like she is diminished and a shadow of her former self.
You should, as a couple, forge out “we” time where you do things together such as discuss books, art, Torah topics, or whatever you both share interest in.
We can’t possibly know the mind of Hashem. We can’t even begin to speculate as to what was Hashem’s purpose in taking your friend’s husband at this time.
You must share in a tone that demonstrates derech eretz to your parents that their behavior in meddling with raising your children is not helpful and is inappropriate.
Maybe you can give me some words of nechama as I am frum and I know Hashem does everything for the good.
While your educational ideas sound interesting, I am not sure how a school would be able to implement this kind of curriculum.
Perhaps you can call a family meeting and start with saying that although it is a privilege for you to be able to take care of your parents, things are becoming more difficult and you feel you need more help.
We had a great marriage. I want to stay with her and raise our children.
It appears through your letter that you may be overly critical of your loved ones. Perhaps you are distancing them as your daughter and friend had said.
It would be a good idea to seek professional help. If your husband refuses to go for help, it would still be helpful for you to seek your own professional help to assist you in navigating your husband’s anger.
Congratulations! You have decided to start a business and feel pumped, but you realized that marketing yourself is a big role in getting clients.
It is important to validate your daughter’s feelings and tell her that this behavior was unacceptable.
Once he understood the importance of respecting authority, he began to listen more appropriately to his Rebbeim, teachers, and the Menahel, understanding that they ultimately are seeking to help him succeed in life.
Some people may think it is cruel to not marry a boy because of their family background, but be forewarned: even if he is remorseful about the way he treats his mother, he will most certainly repeat it with you.
Positive thinking has wonderful effects on your mind as well as your body. It lowers stress levels, which in turn affects every part of your being.
I always say that an ounce of prevention is worth more than a pound of cure. If we can all learn how to parent effectively, then this world would be a better place.
Each year, he explodes in anger at me and our children for no good reason, other than that he is physically and mentally exhausted and drained.
While I do agree that the wife and husband should appreciate each other, and constantly praise and validate each other, perhaps it is also unwise to share this praise with their parents.
After a significant event, my family went through a very challenging time. Despite it all, my father remained strong and resilient in the face of adversity.
My nutritionist has taught me this invaluable lesson and for the first time in my life, I am not on a diet, but rather I am living a healthy, balanced lifestyle that includes all food groups.
Comparing yourself to others is a very dangerous thing. It never helps you feel better and often is based on false premises.
Why would someone want to marry me? Why would they take their chances with a girl who has all this baggage when there are so many others around who are more eligible?
What did she have children for if not to personally and lovingly raise her precious jewels?
One important thing I have learned through making my own mistakes was to not approach single individuals at simchas or coming out of shul.
Helping divorced couples remarry may seem unorthodox, but I have actually been involved in such cases and have, with siyatta d'Shmaya, helped divorced couples, who wanted to reconcile, remarry each other successfully.
It takes a certain sensitivity to do marital therapy. The therapist should try to put themselves in the client’s shoes and try to be careful not to open up issues that the couple will have to live with later and not have the tools to deal with.
Just this past week two families related that they had been contemplating the purchase of a medical alert device but had pushed off the process... until one of their family members fell at home and spent the entire night on the floor alone, unable to call for help.
Seasonal affective disorder, also known as winter depression, is a real thing. It is a type of depressive disorder that only tends to surface during the winter months.
Ultimately, that high that your wife gets from shopping will not last long term, as stuff will not make her happy.
Keeping communication open is very important. This is crucial for all children, so you can detect any issues or problems early on.
Dr. Yael’s answer to this unfortunate mother was that she felt sorry for “what happened to you and to your family.”
No one should ever feel inferior because they needed to use medication to help them overcome their depression, anxiety, or any other emotional difficulties.
I am so sorry about what happened to you and to your family. Please don’t feel guilty. You had no idea this would happen.
Yes, your daughter may be moody, but she needs positive attention and love, not negativity.
Using imagery with deep breathing usually makes the techniques more effective and generally helps people maintain their focus better.
The fact that she has been diagnosed and is taking medication can be a positive thing as it may show that she is someone who takes care of issues and overcomes challenges.
We always hear from well meaning people to read Dr. Gerber and to FERBERIZE him, but this method just doesn’t seem appropriate for us.
Remind the children (and their parents) that we only eat at the table at Bubby’s house. If you keep saying this (if needed) in a calm and happy voice, the kids will likely comply and not take any offense.
When a person has a secure attachment style, they feel confident in their relationship and in their partner.
None of these girls are the “same type” yet going to their seminary branded them as a certain “type.” Had their respective husbands not gone out with them because of the schools they went to, they would’ve never married their bashert.
This probably is not indicative of a larger issue, but either way, it is not your place to address it.
Explain to your daughter that you want to do whatever it takes to rebuild your relationship. Ask her what you can do differently to repair your relationship.
It is not easy to deal with negative people, but if this is important to your husband, you may need to try to have your father-in-law over and make the best of it.
My husband has been driving me crazy to lose weight and even blaming me for the hard time our daughter is having getting dates.
I don't mean to cut anyone out but just not leave everything equally?
I kept quiet because I would have screamed if I had opened my mouth, This happened three weeks ago and since then I haven't called my parents.
I truly believe that chessed begins at home. We must care for our own immediate families and extended families before running out to save the world.
At this point, you may want to first find out what is going on before you involve your ex-husband. Perhaps your son may have actually done this extreme behavior to get you to speak to your ex-husband.
You are lucky that you have one parent to model positivity for you. You are already 16 and seem wise beyond your years.
I see no harm done in starting with Zoom dating to at least get to know the person initially.
She seems to be feeling overworked and overwhelmed, and unfortunately appears to be taking it out on you.
I also heard a few classic stories about people who had fallen in every room you can imagine and were away from their phone. One person even lives in a nursing home but wasn't able to reach the emergency cord on the wall.
Zoom dating works for the first few dates or the first few weeks, but a real relationship generally grows from being with a person face-to-face.
I though it was showing weakness to ask for help. So, I never asked for help and no one offered any.
Sometimes, it is easier to deal with the challenge that is hidden behind a black garbage bag.
It is important to remember that nothing will work all of the time and that you will probably still have difficult moments, but it is how you handle these difficult moments that will determine how things turn out in the future.
Most people do not realize that we are causing our physical, emotional and behavioral health problems and generally try harder to go faster.
September 11, 2026 
