יום שבת, ט׳ אלול תשפ״וSaturday, August 22, 2026
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Dr. Yael Respler is a psychotherapist in private practice who provides marital, dating and family counseling. Dr. Respler also deals with problems relating to marital intimacy. Letters may be emailed to deardryael@aol.com. To schedule an appointment, please call 917-751-4887. Dr. Orit Respler-Herman, a child psychologist, co-authors this column and is now in private practice providing complete pychological evaluations as well as child and adolescent therapy. She can be reached at 917-679-1612. Previous columns can be viewed at www.jewishpress.com and archives of Dr. Respler’s radio shows can be found at www.dryaelrespler.com.
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For those of you who are dating, I ask you to try not to marry someone with the hope of changing them. A healthy marriage can help someone grow emotionally, spiritually and bolster someone’s self-esteem.
I applaud your attitude as you seem to appreciate all the brachos that Hashem gave you as well as treasure all the good years in your marriage. We can all learn from your positive attitude in life.
I do not know what kind of childhood your husband had, however, if you want to make this marriage work, you must try to focus on his positive qualities instead of his negative issues. I know this is easier said than done.
Covert narcissists are insecure, they can be passive aggressive and hypersensitive to criticism, but they have no problem being critical in a passive way.
Set realistic goals for what needs to be accomplished. It is important to focus on the most important areas such as the kitchen, dining area, and other places that chametz is generally found.
I want you to know that you are not alone in this dilemma and drinking has made Purim a challenging Yom Tov for many women. I am not a Rav but I know there are men who do not drink on Purim and keep all the other mitzvos.
Understanding the cause of why your mother-in-law behaved this way may help you come to terms with it more. Underneath this venom lies a negative person who probably had a very dysfunctional childhood.
In your situation, you sound like a person who wants to do chesed but you are stuck in a situation where you are dealing with a very complicated, needy person.
The first thing you’re going to have to do is work on yourself to not be nervous when she comes as this already puts you in a mood where you feel upset and more sensitive.
It is important to be respectful and assertive. You can respectfully share your wants and feelings while considering your spouse’s wants and feelings as well.
It is important to realize that addressing a disrespectful boss requires a careful and strategic approach.
I believe that I went into therapy with naivete, and that the psychological professionals should offer a type of disclaimer, or warning, before starting with a patient.
I will share some of my ideas, however, this is no substitute for therapy.
It is difficult to set boundaries, but we all have the challenge of where and how to give our maaser money. It is important that you tell your friend you love his chesed and that he is always trying to help others, but that it is hard for you to always feel you have to give to all the causes he is fighting for.
I am printing your column with an answer in the hope that you will send this letter to your brother-in-law, and it will impact the way he is treating you, his sister, and your marriage.
Imagine the tremendous improved relations that can occur if we truly attempt to open our minds to divergent mindsets.
A covert narcissist is sometimes called a vulnerable narcissist and can be emotionally fragile and very sensitive to criticism. Covert narcissists may outwardly show what looks like empathy, but their underlying purpose is to get you to engage with them so they serve their own needs in some way.
It is hard to feel happy, or even content, when our brothers and sisters are hostages and others are fighting for us. But, unless we channel these feelings into davening and chesed – good deeds, they are extremely unhelpful feelings.
Look for things to do to help others. When we give to others we are giving to ourselves as we feel better and more productive.
Your husband, as you report, has been raised in a home where his mother was completely dependent on his father. Thus, his expectation is for you to be the same way on some level.
All drugs carry risks such as grogginess and other side effects. You should consult your healthcare provider before using any medication.
You should move if you want to move, but you shouldn’t feel pressured by what other people do or by what other people tell you to do.
Compliments are gifts of love, but they only work if they are sincere and are given freely, without coercion.
Is your wife using the silent treatment as a manipulation tactic or is she using it because she doesn’t know how to talk about her feelings?
It is a good idea to start with giving the other person the benefit of the doubt. Some people truly do not realize that they interrupt others often, thus if you frame your words objectively, you are more likely to produce behavioral change.
Black and white thinking is considered to be a cognitive distortion by psychologists because it stops people from seeing life as it truly is, complex, uncertain, and always changing.
In order to deal with the anxiety you are feeling, you need to identify what you are thinking. You are likely having anxious thoughts. These thoughts are probably swimming around your mind all day and are exacerbating your anxious feelings.
Treatment for emotional detachment depends on the reason that is happening. It is important to seek professional help to see why you are having difficulty connecting to others.
Notice the positive in your life. When you take time to notice positive moments in your day, your experience of that day becomes more positive.
Once someone learns how to manage their time, they often find that they have more time for things that they enjoy doing. Additionally, when you manage your time effectively you are generally more productive, less stressed, and have more energy.
It would also be helpful for you to go outside of your comfort zone and try new things. The more you broaden your social circle, the more people you will meet, and while you will not be best friends with everyone you meet, you will have more people to hang out with.
As you described, too much comparison leads to unhappiness and low self-esteem. It can also lead to feelings of frustration, jealousy, and hopelessness.
As your fathers’s cognitive function continues to decline, his daily life will change. It’s important to create a routine to help reduce confusion and disorientation.
Only use your bed for sleep, so your body knows what to expect when you’re in bed.
Building a relationship is a skill. If it’s something you need to work on, you can easily improve.
Even just deciding you will work on the task for 15-30 min can help kickstart the activity and prevent more procrastination.
It is imperative to keep in mind that whatever is happening, Hashem runs the world and whatever happens in your life is part of a bigger plan.
Most people who procrastinate usually don’t want to, though sometimes we procrastinate doing a non-preferred task or a task that we feel is boring, frustrating or unpleasant.
I am starting with this request. I do not know this gentleman. However, it is my effort to give singles a chance to reach out directly. Please research any person printed in the column.
When you spend special, alone time with your daughter and give her undivided attention, you can build her self-esteem by giving her specific praise and just by making her feel valuable because of the time and positive attention you are giving her.
I am not sure if you are involved in a frenemy relationship as you did not share any details. If you feel this is a negative relationship for you, there are positive ways to disengage from a frenemy relationship.
Most negative and anxious messages we give ourselves are irrational.
The first step is recognizing that someone is not a good friend for you, which you seem to have noticed, at least on some level. Even if this friend is supportive at times, you should never feel that a friend is trying to destroy your self-esteem.
I cannot say one definitive thing that will end the shidduch crisis, but we definitely have to work on being open minded and stopping to pigeon hole everyone.
It is terrifying to see our parents age. We want our parents to age because that means we have them for longer. It is so special to have the zechus to have parents, but it is difficult to know what to do when we are faced with challenging decisions.
I don’t want you to minimize the devotion that your mother demonstrates to her family. Closeness and devotion are very important. As Jewish mothers we all struggle with some degree of enmeshment.
It is interesting that you now appreciate how the chassidim date. Many people who are not from the chassidishe world cannot understand or fathom that a couple can get engaged after three meetings and be happy together.
No spouse can make you happy. You have to find happiness within yourself and then you can build a loving relationship.
It is interesting that you now appreciate how the chassidim date. Many people who are not from the chassidishe world cannot understand or fathom that a couple can get engaged after three meetings and be happy together.
Nothing you do will really calm the drama, but if you and your wife can change your perspective, it may make everything easier to bear and thus make you feel calmer (which will ultimately calm the house down as well).
Imagine that your mother-in-law is putting you down. You, in turn, find something to compliment her on and change the topic. There is a very good chance that your positivity, in response to your mother-in-law’s negativity, will completely surprise her and render her mute.
As the caregiver, you must not fall into the trap of not caring for yourself. You do not want to get sick yourself emotionally or physically.
If you are simply reliant on someone else, it doesn’t mean that you are co-dependent. In a healthy relationship, each person can rely on the other for a variety of needs.
Are you choosing happiness? Are you focusing only on your problems? Or are you focusing on all the blessings that Hashem has given you?
It is also important to remember that these older children have been through a lot! Losing a parent is very difficult and even though they are so fortunate to have rebuilt their family, it is still a big challenge for them.
When going to a therapist for premarital counseling, it would likely be more prudent to go to a neutral therapist so they can be honest with both of you.
This woman's well-being is hostage to her ex-husband's secret life as she cannot seek the emotional support she and her child need.
Please share with people that ghosting is very painful.... The hurt and betrayal is devastating.
We never really know what other people are enduring. Life is so challenging. People often evaluate situations based on what they see, which is often not the whole picture.
A great technique I recommend to people who deal with difficult people is to answer a negative with a positive.
It appears to me that your stonewalling is unintentional. It could be a learned response from your childhood to avoid escalating a fight or avoid discussing an uncomfortable topic.
As I write this column, I wonder if in fact he is stonewalling you or if he just does some things like stonewalling. The wish to never fight or disagree in a marriage is unrealistic.
When I see couples walking together and both speaking on their phones to other people, it hurts deeply. Instead of walking and talking to each other, they are speaking to other people.
I know my own parents and in-laws gave my children so much love, time, and exciting outings that are remembered to this day!
In life, assertive people accomplish more and are able to establish healthy relationships while aggressive people tend to destroy relationships with those closest to them.
Another thing that may be occurring is trivializing you, by telling you that you are too sensitive when something bothers you.
Instead of contemplating divorce, use these feelings as a wake-up call to work on your marriage. Please seek professional help to work on making your life happier.
I know it is best for you to be strong and not focus on this workmate. Don’t give her power to control your life.
The reason I feel so strongly about this safety device, is because I know first hand of very satisfied customers who have told me all sorts of stories on how it has gotten them out of thorny situations.
We all should try to do chesed. However, we must protect our children when we do help others. We must guard their neshamas and try to keep our homes warm, loving and positive.
When physicians prescribe steroids, they usually do it as a last choice. They don't inform the patient of the effects it can have on his personality since they don't want to suggest something that may not happen.
If this is an emotionally abusive situation, you would need to get your son out of the marriage, but if you can get the couple help and your daughter-in-law changes, the marriage can be saved.
Your husband does not seem to recognize that the children are likely struggling in the same way that he did.
The first thing to try to do is stop the power struggles (or judgments) with your daughter. It is important to listen to what your daughter is telling you without correcting her or trying to change her.
In order to reduce tension and worry, you can try to calm your nervous system by using muscle relaxation, exercise, and meditation.
In reality, though, you need to marry against your negative imago... It is very difficult for people with a negative imago to marry against their imago.
Unfortunately people must envy your position in life and may not realize how much pressure they are putting on you due to their own issues. You must work on setting boundaries in your lives.
Try to always make your husband feel that he is the most important person in your life. A strong marriage builds healthy, confident children.
Perhaps you feel people only want things from you in a relationship. However, it is healthy to also take things from others. Do you give people a chance to give to you?
I started at eighteen and that has not made a difference in my life. I went on shidduch dates, single events, traveled and still have not found my soul mate. There is only so much in one's control.
Sometimes the in-law relationship can reflect the relationship between the spouse and his own parents.
Although you are trying to lighten the atmosphere, it sounds like the humor in these situations is sometimes damaging to your relationship with your children.
I was a young wife, with two young children and my husband became remarkably successful financially... While I tried to be a loving mother and wife, I often felt very alone in raising our children.
I never thought that my going out to lunch alone with our daughter would trigger him. He told me that he felt left out. It reminded him of his childhood when he felt excluded by his parents and his friends.
I am sure you have a lot to offer someone and it would be good to start focusing on your positive attributes in order to help pull yourself out of this depression.
I strongly believe in something I call “cozy time.” This is the time when you put your children to sleep. It would be most advantageous for each child to get five to ten minutes of alone time with both of you every night.
It appears that you have to try to navigate this situation in a loving manner and try to help your husband understand that you get headaches from a hot house.
When a person gives you unsolicited advice, you can say, I appreciate your suggestion, but what I really need is a listening ear and support through my situation.
OCD responds extremely well to cognitive-behavioral therapy. Research has demonstrated that cognitive-behavioral therapy is indeed most effective in treating OCD.
Psychologically, you can try to approach them in a calm manner to discuss what happened, but I am not sure that this will be helpful and it may just escalate the issue.
I question whether you must call her often and bear the pain of her hurtful remarks.
Try to remove your feelings from the situation and become neutral. Don't feel that the child is purposely trying to upset you as this will just exacerbate the situation.
Rabbi Wallerstein answered me, We cannot live without time. When your time is up, Hashem takes your neshama. There is no choice.
It is always possible to overcome a tough situation through out of the box thinking, and not give in to the only options you think you have to pick from.
My husband expects me to be the tzaddaikes and always give into my mother-in-law for kibud em. He says that Hashem gave him a difficult mother, but he chose me to be his wife.
I believe that in therapy if both husband and wife work on their individual issues, and then show positive loving feelings to one another, the marriage can improve dramatically.
Please Dr. Respler give me ideas on how to parent my grown children properly.
Networking is also a very good medium. We let the word out when we were initially looking to adopt; we told many people. She should let the word out to people she knows outside of her state.
I was shocked to read that R.N. refers to the young men as boys. If they are boys, then maybe the mothers are right to have reservation with the suggestion of the shadchan.
August 21, 2026 
