Dear Dr. Yael,
I am writing to you about feeling very overwhelmed before Pesach. There is a close family member of mine who is married with children and very ill. I love this person and I feel angry that Hashem is testing me and our whole family with this challenge. For confidential reasons I do not want to release specific information since we all love and read your column. However, can you give me some ideas on how to deal with my angry feelings towards Hashem. This person is an amazing human being, a great spouse, parent, friend, etc. Please answer my letter. It would help me.
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
First, I want to acknowledge the courage it takes to put your feelings into words. Many people experience anger, confusion, or even a sense of protest toward Hashem when someone they love is suffering, yet they feel guilty admitting it. In Jewish tradition, expressing difficult emotions to Hashem is not forbidden. It is actually modeled throughout Tanach and Jewish history. Many great figures cried out to Hashem in pain or confusion when facing suffering. What is important to remember, though, is that Hashem can do anything. It is not your job to try to figure out why Hashem does what he does, but you need to know that you can rely on Hashem and He will take care of you.
You are carrying several heavy emotional burdens at once: love for your ill family member, fear about what may happen, the stress of preparing for Pesach, and the helplessness that comes when we cannot fix a situation ourselves. When all of that builds up, anger often becomes the emotion that surfaces.
Here are a few ideas that may help you cope with those feelings:
Allow yourself to acknowledge the anger without shame: Trying to push away anger toward Hashem can sometimes make the feeling stronger. Instead, you might privately tell Hashem exactly what you feel. Honest tefillah and speaking from the heart can be a powerful way to process emotions.
Separate the question from the relationship: You may not understand why this illness is happening, and that is a painful reality. But not understanding the “why” does not mean you must disconnect from your relationship with Hashem. Many people find that continuing to talk to Hashem, even when they feel upset, keeps that relationship alive.
Focus on what love can still do: When someone we love is ill, we often feel powerless. Yet your presence, your care, and your emotional support can mean more than you realize. Sometimes the greatest acts of chesed are simply showing up, listening, or helping the family in practical ways.
Be gentle with yourself during this time: Pesach preparations can be overwhelming even in a normal year. This year you are carrying emotional pain as well. It may help to lower expectations where possible and accept help from others.
Look for small moments of meaning: Even in painful times, people sometimes find moments of connection, kindness, or perspective that bring a bit of light. These moments do not erase the hardship, but they can help us get through it.
You and your family are clearly facing a difficult test, and it is understandable that you feel overwhelmed. Hashem should give you strength, comfort, and support from those around you, and a refuah sheleima to your loved one. Hatzlacha.