Dear Dr. Yael

Dear Dr. Yael,

Baruch Hashem, my husband and I have been blessed with a wonderful marriage, beautiful children, and a growing family that brings us tremendous joy and nachas. We both work hard in our professions and earn good salaries. Throughout the years, we have always felt privileged to help our children as they built their own homes.

Several of our married children still receive financial assistance from us. Some of our sons and sons-in-law are working, while one son-in-law has been learning in kollel for the past 11 years. We entered into these arrangements willingly and with a full heart. We truly believe in the value of supporting Torah learning and consider it a tremendous zechus.

Lately, however, I find myself feeling increasingly overwhelmed. Between helping multiple families, paying for simchas, covering unexpected expenses, and managing our own household, the financial pressure has become significant. Despite our incomes, we have very little savings. When I look ahead to retirement or think about possible health issues or emergencies, I become anxious.

What makes this especially difficult is the guilt I feel for even having these thoughts. On the one hand, I am grateful to be in a position to help and I don’t want to appear selfish. On the other hand, I worry that we may be sacrificing our own financial security to a degree that is no longer sustainable.

I don’t want to create tension with our children or make anyone feel unsupported. At the same time, I wonder if continuing at the current level is responsible. How do parents know when helping has become too much? Is it appropriate to reduce support after so many years? And how can we do so without damaging relationships or making our children feel rejected?

I would greatly appreciate your perspective.

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

What struck me most as I read your letter was the love behind it. You and your husband have spent years giving, not only financially, but emotionally as well. You have invested in your children’s futures, supported their dreams, and helped create stable homes for the next generation. That is something to feel extremely proud of.

At the same time, I hear the exhaustion between the lines. Many parents find themselves in a similar position but are afraid to say it out loud. They worry that if they acknowledge the burden, it somehow diminishes the value of the sacrifice. In truth, nothing diminishes the value of what you’re doing.

Something can be a zechus and still feel difficult at times. You can deeply believe in supporting your children and Torah learning while also recognizing that you have legitimate concerns about your own future. Those two realities can exist side by side.

One of the challenges of long-term support is that arrangements that feel manageable at one stage of life may become much more difficult years later. Circumstances change. Expenses grow. Parents get older. Retirement gets closer. None of this reflects a lack of commitment or generosity. It’s simply reality.

I would encourage you and your husband to sit down together and take an honest look at your finances, not from a place of guilt, but from a place of responsibility. Ask yourselves what level of support allows you to continue helping while also protecting your own future.

Sometimes loving our children means giving. Sometimes loving our children means setting limits.

One of the greatest gifts parents can give adult children is an example of managing money wisely. Children benefit from seeing that every family, no matter how giving, must make thoughtful decisions about its resources.

If you conclude that changes need to be made, try not to view that decision as taking something away. Instead, think of it as adjusting to a new stage of life. Support does not have to be all or nothing. It can be reduced gradually, so your children can figure out how to manage more independently in a way that feels doable. You can revisit and make new plans together with your children, while sharing what you can do for them, even if it is different from how you have helped in the past.

When you speak with your children, focus on your circumstances rather than their choices. Let them know how much you love them and how meaningful it has been to help them. Tell your children that although you wish you could continue supporting them as you have thus far, you are now at a point where you need to strengthen your own financial foundation as well. Perhaps you can come up with a plan together for how to gradually lower your support in a way that doesn’t feel so difficult for them. If you can maintain your loving and caring tone, this conversation will likely stay calm and not affect your relationship with your children. Your children will feel your love and sincerity and will likely understand that you need to plan for your own future as well.

Most importantly, please be gentle with yourself. The fact that you are asking these questions tells me that you are thoughtful, caring parents who want to do the right thing. Wanting financial security is not selfish. Planning for your future is not selfish. Protecting yourselves from unnecessary stress is not selfish.

You have already given your family an extraordinary gift through years of generosity and support. Whatever decisions you make going forward do not erase that. Please remember that even the most giving people must also care for themselves. Lastly, just as Hahem has helped you thus far with supporting all of your children, He will continue to help you with whatever you decide about support, so there is no need to feel anxious. Hatzlacha with this endeavor and may Hashem bless you with everything you need for yourself and your family!