Dear Dr. Yael,
I am married to a very loving husband who, unfortunately, gets drunk every Friday night and Shabbos. Among our circle of friends, this is very common: the men do not drink during the week, but on Shabbos they attend kiddush clubs and begin drinking Friday night, often continuing throughout Shabbos.
We all have young children, and many of us feel that our husbands are not conducting proper Shabbos tables. The singing, divrei Torah, and meaningful connection with the children are often missing.
What’s troubling is that this issue doesn’t seem limited to one community. I work with women from other chassidishe groups in Boro Park and Williamsburg who struggle with the same problem. We also have a co-worker from a Modern Orthodox background who says this happens in her community as well. These are responsible, working men who don’t drink during the week, but this behavior seems to be a “Shabbos social norm.”
We are deeply concerned about the chinuch of our children and the message they are receiving about Shabbos, family, and self-control.
How should we approach this as wives and mothers, and what can realistically be done?
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
First, I want to acknowledge the pain and frustration behind your letter. You are describing a real and widespread problem, and your concern for your children’s chinuch is both valid and responsible.
Shabbos is meant to be the emotional and spiritual anchor of Jewish family life. When children experience a Shabbos table that is rushed, sloppy, loud, or disengaged due to alcohol, they are not just “missing out,” they are inadvertently learning that Shabbos is about escape rather than connection.
It’s important to say this clearly:
Getting drunk on Shabbos is not a mitzvah, not a minhag, and not harmless. While drinking a l’chaim has a place in Jewish life, drinking until one is intoxicated, especially when it interferes with davening, parenting, and basic derech eretz, undermines the very kedusha Shabbos is meant to bring.
That said, the issue that you are talking about is not only a halachic issue, it is a social and emotional issue as well. Many men experience Shabbos as the only sanctioned space to “let go” after a week of pressure. Kiddush clubs and heavy drinking become socially reinforced rituals, and once something is normalized, individuals stop questioning it, even when the cost is high.
So, what can you do?
- Choose the right moment.
Do not raise this issue Friday night or Shabbos afternoon. Speak during the week, calmly, when alcohol is not involved. Use your experience, not accusations. Try saying something like:
“I miss you at the Shabbos table.”
“I’m worried about what the kids are learning.”
“Shabbos feels lonely for me when you’re not really present.”
- Make the children visible.
Many men minimize the impact on their wives, but are shaken when they realize how much their children notice. Frame the conversation around modeling, memories, and long-term chinuch, not control. In this way, you will help your husband be able to engage in the conversation instead of getting defensive.
- Avoid power struggles; aim for boundaries.
You cannot control another adult’s behavior, but you can set family expectations. This might mean agreeing on limits (no kiddush club before the meal, no coming home drunk, full presence at the Shabbos table). Small, realistic changes are often more successful than ultimatums.
- Build alternatives, not just objections.
Men are less likely to give something up unless something meaningful replaces it. A livelier table, rotating divrei Torah, singing with the children, or inviting guests who elevate the atmosphere can slowly shift the tone of Shabbos. Perhaps you can ask your husband what will help him feel like he can “let go” that does not involve drinking.
- Don’t carry this alone.
If this pattern is entrenched and conversations go nowhere, a rav, mentor, or therapist, especially one familiar with community dynamics, can help mediate without shaming. Drinking is not necessarily an easy thing to stop. While your husband may not be addicted, he still has found a way to “have fun” and “relax” and you may need to get help to make real and meaningful changes.
Finally, I want to speak directly to you and the other women reading this:
You are not “spoiling Shabbos.” You are protecting it. Wanting a present husband, a peaceful home, and a Shabbos your children will cherish is not asking for too much, it is asking for the essence of what Shabbos is meant to be. Hatzlacha in this difficult situation and please reach out for professional help or help from a rav if conversations are going nowhere. This is not a situation you can allow to continue, and kudos to you for trying to get the help to make meaningful changes.