Dear Dr. Yael,
I am married to a wonderful woman who struggles with insecurity. I try very hard to please her, yet she often compares me to her friends’ husbands, men who she feels earn more money, are more helpful at home, or are more accomplished in different ways.
We both work hard to support our family, and we were fortunate to receive parental help in purchasing our home. We are raising beautiful children and have many blessings. Despite this, my wife frequently compares not only me, but also our children and our family life, to others.
I truly believe my wife is a very special person, and I want her to feel happier and more at peace with the many brachos we have. I don’t know how to help her stop comparing and start appreciating what we’ve built together.
Please help me understand how to deal with this issue.
A Concerned Husband
Dear A Concerned Husband,
Your letter is filled with love, patience, and respect for your wife and that alone speaks volumes about the kind of husband you are. It is clear that you are not looking to “fix” your wife, but to support her and protect your marriage. That mindset is exactly what is needed to work on this issue.
Comparison rarely comes from arrogance; more often, as you noted, it comes from insecurity and fear. Your wife is not saying, “You are not good enough.” She is quietly saying, “I am afraid that I am not enough.” When a person constantly measures themselves, and those closest to them, against others, it is usually because they are unsure of their own worth.
It is important to understand that your compliments and reminders of all of your blessings will not cure your wife’s insecurities or comparisons. This is because insecurity is an internal struggle. External success or validation rarely quiets insecurity for long. It is also crucial to avoid engaging in the comparison game. When your wife compares you to other husbands or your family to others, it is best to gently disengage. You can say something like, “I don’t want to measure our lives against anyone else. I want to focus on what works for us.” This sets a boundary without criticizing your wife.
It is also helpful to validate feelings without validating the narrative. You can acknowledge your wife’s emotions without agreeing with the comparison. For example, you can say something like, “I hear that you’re feeling disappointed or worried.” Or “I understand you want more.” It is imperative that you avoid defending yourself and turning the conversation into a trial instead of an opportunity to connect.
You can also use the “I feel” technique to share with your wife how comparisons affect you. At a calm time, you can gently tell your wife something like, “When I’m compared to others, I feel unappreciated and discouraged. I know you don’t mean to hurt me, but it makes me feel bad.” This invites empathy instead of defensiveness and may help your wife see how her behavior is affecting you.
Lastly, try to live your life with gratitude. Living with gratitude is more effective than talking about it. Naming small daily brachos, without any sarcasm or making your wife feel corrected or in the wrong creates a different emotional climate in the home. Do not say something like, “We need to focus on our brachos!” Rather, try something like, “I’m so thankful to Hashem for giving us such amazing children and for giving me you as a wife.” If your wife still has a very hard time with comparisons and it is robbing her of her happiness, seeking professional help from a competent therapist can be extremely helpful. Seeing a therapist is an investment in your wife’s happiness and well-being, as well as in your marriage. You can love your wife, support her, and create a stable home, but you cannot replace the inner work she must do to feel secure. Hatzlacha!