June 21, 2026 Categories: In Print / Marriage and Relationships
Dear Dr. Yael
Dear Dr. Yael,
I read your column Shabbos (as I always do and enjoy). I appreciated your direct response to the individual. I was wondering if I could please add something in response to him.
As you wrote, you cannot generalize and say that women are the problem. Men can be quite difficult as well. As someone who works primarily with older singles, a few things stood out for me in his letter. First, he talks about his education, his job and the great yeshivas he attended and that he learns well. While those things are wonderful, at the age of 50, having been previously married, I find that it would be more helpful to share things that highlight his essence and what makes him a good candidate for a deserving woman. He would benefit from talking more about his character instead of his accomplishments. What makes him a good person? Is he involved in chesed? Is he a loving, devoted father? That is what is most important. Also, does he plan on having more children? He states that he is an empty-nester. Starting a new family when your children are already grown is not easy. He was quick to pass judgment on a woman who has never been married, but someone like that will most likely want to have children of her own.
I have found that there is always an underlying reason why an individual is consistently rejected. How does he physically present himself? What is his personality like? Does he make sure to consider his date and her interests and feelings? The fact that he is automatically jumping to blame women is very telling. Is he carrying this bias when he dates? He may be inadvertently coming across as very negative when he speaks with a potential match. Positivity is an attractive quality that will only help him. I would strongly recommend that he look inwardly to figure out what is not working for him rather than seeking a solution in others.
Herein lies a big part of what people call a "shidduch crisis": the need to deflect and blame others instead of looking to do some self-improvement. If someone is trying to lose weight and nothing is happening, he/she needs to seek guidance and figure out why it's just not happening. Same applies here. Yes, there are those who have unrealistic expectations and standards, both men and women alike. It is important to be able to compromise and never settle. But that is a whole other topic.
Hoping he gets the perspective and clarity that he needs and may he and all of the singles who are searching find their zivug soon and easily!
S.O.
Dear S.O., Thank you so much for your letter. While this single is probably a wonderful person, I’m sure introspection can help him as we can all work on bettering ourselves. Your questions are very helpful and on point and maybe it can help other singles present themselves in the best way as well. Elul and Tishrei are months that we strive to become the best version of ourselves, so I hope we can all learn from your letter to dig deep inside and see what it is we can all work on to better ourselves and speedily bring Mashiach! We wish all of our readers a k’siva v’chasima tova and a gut gebencht yar! May all of our tefillos be answered l’tova.
