July 24, 2026 Categories: Marriage and Relationships
Dear Dr. Yael
Dear Dr. Yael,
I am writing in response to the column I read this past Shabbos (November 7, 2025). The man who wrote in was complaining about his beautiful wife, who, from his own description, seems to be doing everything right. He described her as a loving mother, a great cook, and very attractive (even more so than he is). Yet, he says he still yearns for a soulmate as he does not connect with his wife because she is so superficial.
My wife and I truly appreciated your thoughtful response. You wisely suggested that this man build connections with male friends through business and Torah learning, and that he work on reframing how he views his marriage and strengthen his emotional bond with his wife.
Reading his letter, we couldn’t help but wonder if insecurity might be at the root of his dissatisfaction. Perhaps he feels inadequate or is carrying emotional wounds from his childhood that make it hard for him to appreciate the love and stability he already has.
We actually know a couple very similar to the one described. The husband constantly criticizes and undermines his wonderful wife, and we can’t understand why. The only explanation we can think of is that his behavior stems from deep insecurity or unresolved pain from childhood.
Can you please address this issue of men who seem to undermine or emotionally distance themselves from loving, capable wives, perhaps out of insecurity or inner childhood wounds?
A Reader
Dear Reader, Thank you for your thoughtful and insightful letter. While I cannot speak about this letter writer specifically, you and your wife raise an important point: Sometimes, when a person has what appears to be a loving and supportive spouse, yet still feels dissatisfied, the root of the issue may lie within their own insecurities or emotional wounds. Many people enter marriage carrying the effects of their childhood experiences. If someone grew up feeling inadequate, unseen, or unworthy of love, it can be difficult to internalize love and appreciation later in life. Even when a spouse offers genuine affection and admiration, such a person may unconsciously reject it, either by finding fault, creating distance, or undermining their partner. These behaviors often stem not from arrogance, but from deep feelings of inadequacy or fear of vulnerability. As you noted, the husband in the original letter may be struggling with insecurity and that this is the root of the problem. Rather than seeing his wife’s beauty and competence as brachos (blessings), he may experience them as reminders of his own perceived shortcomings. Perhaps he doesn’t connect to his wife because he is subconsciously threatened by her or jealous and this breeds criticism. A person feeling insecure may project their own fears and feelings of inadequacy onto their partner through criticism, rather than addressing their own insecurities. Therapy, especially with a therapist who understands both psychological and Torah perspectives, can help an individual identify and work through these internal struggles. You are also correct that connection to others plays a vital role. When a man builds healthy friendships, engages in Torah learning, and develops a sense of purpose and accomplishment, he gains confidence and a more secure sense of self. From that place, he can relate to his wife with love, respect, and gratitude, rather than competition or resentment. If any of my readers recognize this pattern, awareness is the first step. If you find yourself criticizing or devaluing your spouse, ask yourself what you might be feeling underneath (e.g., fear, inadequacy, or a sense of not being “enough”). Looking inside yourself, seeking guidance from a competent professional or Rav, and focusing on gratitude can transform a marriage. Thank you for highlighting this important topic and for encouraging others to reflect on their marriages and try to work on improving them! Hatzlacha!
