June 19, 2026 Categories: In Print / Marriage and Relationships
Dear Dr. Yael
Dear Dr. Yael,
I am married to a woman who is very involved with appearances and her priorities are materialistic. She loves it when I buy her gifts, and her taste is quite expensive. I am a successful businessman, but I derive great joy in learning Talmud. I get up early to go to learn Gemara and I still manage to go to work daven, pray three times a day with a minyan. My wife does not have to work and, baruch Hashem, we have a large, beautiful family. We live in a huge stunning house, and my wife enjoys having full-time live-in help.
We love reading your column, so I hope that you print my letter. Unfortunately, my wife and I do not connect on an emotional level. We got married young and I was very attracted to my wife physically. She is a beautiful woman but as the years go on, I feel that she lacks the spiritual depth that I need. My wife is a loving mother and a great cook. Everyone envies us and they think that I am exceptionally fortunate since she is better looking than I am and she is very friendly and helpful to people. My wife is a good woman. I just feel that she doesn’t value my ideas. She is respectful, but sometimes she just doesn’t get what I do in life. I yearn to have more of a soulmate, someone who would actually appreciate my deep intuition in Talmud as well as my great abilities in business. I used to feel that we connected more, but as I grow as a person, I do not think that she really gets me. Please help me as I definitely want to remain married to my wife. I look forward to your response.
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous, Thank you for your letter. It sounds like you feel that you and your wife are not connecting on a deeper level. This can be very, very hard in a marriage, but I want to present a more radical idea. From your letter, it appears that you have a loving wife who is good to you and to your children. Your wife is not trained to study Talmud and she also probably does not have experience in the business world, so it is a little unfair to expect her to connect with you over those things. Many women are told when they are dating that their husbands won’t fulfill every need and it is important to have friends and others in your life to fulfill some of your needs. The same goes for men. Your wife can’t be expected to fulfill all of your needs in order to connect with you on a deep level, and the more you tell yourself you cannot connect with her, the worse you will feel and the less you will connect. It would be helpful for you to reframe the way you see your marriage. You share that your wife is a loving mother. In reality if you reread your letter, your wife is fulfilling her roles. She is respectful, caring to you and your children, and a good woman. Her role is not to be your chevrusa, study mate, or business partner. You mention that she is also a good cook. I doubt that you would have a large, beautiful family without your wife’s intuition in handling the children, the house, and a myriad of roles that accompany raising a successful family. Even if you provide for your wife financially, this is not sufficient to raise a family. Are you involved with your children? Do you appreciate how much work goes into raising a family? Children need love, attention, and time to thrive and your wife is providing all of these things. If you decide to tap into all your wife’s amazing qualities and try to connect with her on a deep level emotionally, you will feel a deep connection to her. You may not be able to have an intellectual conversation with her, but that’s not the only way to connect. Your wife seems to be a good example to your children in her caring for others. Children learn more by example than by just telling them what to do. Are you respectful to your wife? Does she crave materialistic objects since you are not giving her enough emotionally? In life we all should focus on what we do have instead of what we don’t have. We should focus on our brachos. Perhaps people envy you because they see how many brachos Hashem gave you. You have a beautiful, loving wife who is a devoted mother. You have a good parnassah, a stunning home, that I am sure you wife was likely involved in decorating. I implore upon you to reexamine your priorities and reframe the way you see your life so that your wife and children will feel more appreciated. You can decide today to reframe and work on how you think, which will affect the way you feel. It will definitely be hard work, but it will be well worth the work if you get your dream! Start to see your wife differently and start to try to connect with her emotionally. This will take time and effort, but, iy”H, you will have the deep connection you crave! If you are having trouble doing this on your own, please seek out a professional who can help you reframe your thinking and work on connecting to your wife in a meaningful way. Hatzlacha!
