Dear Dr. Yael,
I’m a long-time reader, first time submitting a question.
One of the highlights of our Purim is our coordinated theme for our family costumes and mishloach manos: Starbucks baristas, soccer team, zoo animals, etc…
This year, my teenage daughter was not interested in joining us, but instead joined her friends coordinated costume. While I let it go this year, mostly because I was caught off guard, I still don’t know how to navigate her growing independence with my desire to keep our family “custom.”
Sincerely,
Reader from Teaneck
Dear Reader from Teaneck,
First of all, it is so amazing that your family has a Purim “brand.” Coordinated costumes and matching mishloach manos themes sound creative, fun, and bonding. You’ve clearly invested years into building something special. Unfortunately, as our children grow up, they start to individuate.
This moment is less about Starbucks baristas versus chevra costumes, and more about a developmental shift. Adolescence is when peers begin to take center stage. It’s not a rejection of family; it’s a necessary step toward identity formation. The fact that she coordinated with friends isn’t a statement against you, rather, it’s a statement for herself.
There are two values here, and both matter: Family cohesion and tradition and healthy independence.
The goal isn’t to choose one over the other, but to recalibrate. It is important to try to see the bigger picture. At this stage, your daughter wanting to join her friends for Purim costumes is developmentally appropriate. In fact, it’s a positive sign. She feels socially connected and confident enough to express independence. That’s something you ultimately want for her. It’s okay that you felt caught off guard and it makes sense that you were/are disappointed. Having this tradition is obviously special and holds emotional significance. Nevertheless, it is important that you try not to frame her wanting to join friends as her “breaking” a custom because that turns a milestone into a betrayal.
Perhaps it is time to update the “custom.” Customs can evolve. Perhaps, your daughter can join the family theme for the seudah, but she is able to join in with her friends’ costume earlier. Perhaps she can just wear the family theme costume for the morning and you can get a family picture and then she can change before going out with her friends. There are many ways to try to be flexible and if you want this custom to survive adolescence, you will likely have to be flexible to make it work.
It’s also a good idea to have a conversation with your daughter. This conversation should not be confrontational, just curious. You can say something like, “I realized I was a little surprised this year. I love our Purim theme tradition. I also see how important your friends are to you. I’d love to figure out together what we can do next year to make us both happy.” This communicates both of the two powerful messages noted above: Our family traditions matter. And your independence matters too.
It is imperative to think long term. If your daughter feels supported now, she’s far more likely to choose family involvement later. Teenagers who feel controlled tend to distance themselves. Teenagers who feel respected often circle back.
In communities like ours, especially in places such as Teaneck where social life and communal life are deeply intertwined, these transitions can feel particularly visible. But this isn’t a loss of family closeness; it’s a recalibration of it. The real question isn’t, “How do I keep her in the costume?”
It’s, “How do I keep our connection strong while she grows?” And the fact that you’re asking this question tells me that you’re already doing the most important part right. Remember, the more you respect your daughter and her needs, the closer she will be with you and the family. Hatzlacha with this new challenging chapter.