Dear Dr. Yael,
I am married to a wonderful husband who was recently diagnosed with a serious type of cancer. We have young children, and as you can imagine, this has turned our world upside down.
My children are struggling. They are upset that their father needs so much attention, and they keep asking me when he will get better. Their questions break my heart because I don’t always have clear answers to give them. I am speaking to rabbanim for guidance and am in therapy myself, trying to stay strong for everyone. I know this is an incredibly difficult situation.
I love your column and find so much chizuk in your words. I would deeply appreciate any ideas you might have on how I can help my children develop resilience during this painful time. I want to help them strengthen their bitachon and feel secure, even as they face uncertainty. More than anything, I want them to emerge from this period with emotional strength and emunah.
Thank you for the light and wisdom you share with your readers.
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
My heart feels your letter.
When a family is facing serious illness, it is not only the patient who is in treatment, the entire family is. A child’s world is built on two pillars: “My parents are strong” and “My life is predictable.” When illness shakes one pillar, the other must become steadier.
First, I want to tell you something important: the fact that you are asking this question already tells me your children have a mother who is thinking about their emotional and spiritual future in the middle of her own pain. Your children are incredibly lucky to have you! Your actions are modeling resilience, which is extremely helpful and necessary in this situation.
Children do not need certainty to feel secure. They need honesty, warmth, and emotional safety. When they ask, “When will Tatty/Daddy/Abba get better?” you can say something like:
“We are davening very hard, and the doctors are doing everything they can. We don’t know exactly how long it will take, but Hashem is with us, and we are all together.”
Notice that this gives them three anchors:
- We are doing our hishtadlus (doctors).
- We are not alone (Hashem).
- Our family unit is intact (together).
In this way, you can teach your children that we can always rely on Hashem for everything and that Hashem loves us and will take care of us. You are also teaching them that we can only do the best we can and that you also have each other to lean on.
You can also build resilience in small, practical ways:
Preserve Routine Wherever Possible: Predictability reduces anxiety. Bedtime rituals, Shabbos traditions, even small things like who gives hugs before school are all important. These predictable things become emotional anchors.
Create “Special Time” Each child may be grieving the loss of attention. Even 10-15 minutes of uninterrupted time with you, regularly scheduled, tells them: “You still matter.”
Allow All Feelings: If a child says, “I hate cancer,” or “It’s not fair,” don’t rush to correct them with emunah statements. First validate: “You’re right, it feels so unfair.” Emotional validation actually strengthens long-term emunah because it teaches that Hashem can handle our real feelings.
Give Them a Role: Children feel less helpless when they can contribute. Making a card for Tatty/Daddy/Abba, saying a specific perek of Tehillim, helping pack a hospital bag, etc. Allowing your children to help transforms them from passive bystanders into active participants and this will empower them feel like they’re doing something to make things better.
Model Regulated Strength: It is okay for them to see you sad sometimes. However, it is not helpful for them to feel they must take care of you. If they see you cry, you can say: “I’m feeling sad right now, but I’m okay. Grown-ups have big feelings too.” This teaches them that emotions are allowed, but survivable.
You mentioned wanting them to develop resilience. Let me share something hopeful. Research and life experience show that children who go through hardship with stable, loving support often develop deeper empathy, maturity, and emunah than those who never face difficulty. Hardship does not automatically create trauma. Isolation can create trauma and your children are not alone, baruch Hashem.
You are doing an incredible job holding the family together. Please continue leaning on your rabbanim and going to therapy. You are doing exactly what a wise mother does, you are building scaffolding around your family during a storm. You need to support yourself so you can be strong for your family. Remember, resilience is not the absence of fear, rather, it is the experience of fear while feeling supported.
May you see yeshuos, refuos, and revealed bracha. And may your home be filled with quiet strength, even in uncertainty. Hatzlacha in this very challenging time!