Dear Dr. Yael

Dear Dr. Yael,

My parents have always expected me to get straight A’s. Ever since I was little, they’ve told me that doing well in school is the key to having a successful future. I understand that they want what’s best for me, and I want to make them proud. Because of that, I spend most of my time studying, doing homework, and worrying about my grades.

Lately, though, the pressure has become too much. I feel stressed all the time, even when I’m not at school. If I get one question wrong on a test or receive a grade lower than an A, I feel like I’ve failed. I stay up late studying because I’m afraid that if I don’t, my grades will drop. Sometimes I have trouble sleeping because I’m constantly thinking about assignments, tests, and whether I’m doing enough.

The stress is starting to affect my mental health. I feel anxious, exhausted, and overwhelmed. I don’t enjoy school the way I used to, and I rarely make time for hobbies or hanging out with friends. I know my parents care about me, but I’m worried they’ll be disappointed if I tell them how much pressure I’m under. I don’t want them to think I’m lazy or that I don’t care about my future.

How can I tell my parents that their expectations are affecting my mental health without making them feel like I’m blaming them or letting them down?

Sincerely,

Stressed Teenager

Dear Stressed Teenager,

Thank you for writing in. First, I want to acknowledge how difficult it can be to carry the weight of high expectations every day. It sounds like you are a hardworking, responsible student who genuinely wants to succeed. The fact that you’re concerned about disappointing your parents shows how much you care about their opinions and your relationship with them.

However, it’s important to remember that success should not come at the cost of your mental and emotional well-being. When stress becomes so overwhelming that it affects your sleep, happiness, and daily life, it’s a sign that something needs to change.

From what you’ve described, it doesn’t sound like you’re struggling because you aren’t trying hard enough. In fact, it sounds like you’re trying extremely hard. The challenge is that you’ve started to connect your self-worth with your grades. When that happens, even a small mistake can feel much bigger than it really is.

Many parents set high expectations because they want their children to have opportunities they may not have had themselves. They often focus on achievement because they believe it will help their child succeed in the future. What they don’t always realize is how much pressure those expectations can create.

That’s why having an honest conversation is so important. Choose a time when everyone is calm and not distracted. Try using “I” statements instead of “you” statements. For example, you might say, “I’ve been feeling very stressed lately, and I’m having trouble balancing school with my emotional health,” rather than, “You put too much pressure on me.” This helps keep the conversation focused on your feelings rather than making your parents feel accused.

You can also explain that your goal is still to do well in school. Let them know that you’re not asking them to lower their standards completely; you’re asking for support and understanding. You might say something like, “I want to succeed, but I need help finding a healthier balance because the stress is becoming overwhelming.”

It may also help to share specific examples of how the pressure affects you, such as difficulty sleeping, constant anxiety, or not having time for activities you enjoy. Sometimes parents don’t fully understand what their child is experiencing until they hear concrete examples.

If you’re nervous about having this conversation alone, consider talking to a school counselor, teacher, or another trusted adult first. They may be able to offer advice or even help facilitate a discussion with your parents.

Finally, remember that nobody is perfect. Even the most successful people make mistakes, earn lower grades occasionally, and face setbacks. A single grade does not define your intelligence, your future, or your value as a person. Learning, growing, and taking care of yourself are just as important as academic achievement. You need to remind yourself of these things many times a day as you have been receiving different messaging and it will take time for your brain to accept this and calm down.

I hope you’ll give yourself a lot of credit for recognizing that you need support. Reaching out is a sign of maturity and self-awareness. Your mental health matters, and you deserve to feel successful without carrying an unhealthy amount of stress. You may also need to have your parents contact a professional to help you learn to rewire some of this anxious/negative messaging, but start with a conversation first and see if the lowered expectations help you feel less stressed. If you are still struggling with this anxiety after your parents have backed off, please reach out for help so you can work on teaching your brain that you are ok even if you don’t spend 100% of your time studying and that you can be successful even without being perfect. Hatzlacha with this challenging situation and with teaching yourself these new messages!